Beware of jealousy, my lord! It’s a green-eyed monster that makes fun of the victims it devours.
~ From Shakespeare’s Othello, Act 3, Scene 3
It has taken me many years to realize that jealousy is something that consumes you from within. I had quite a lot of relationships where jealousy played a big role. In my first marriage I discovered that he had relationships with students at the university he attended. Between my first and second marriage I was involved with a couple. The man was incredibly jealous, so much so that he abused us – me and his wife – when men looked at us. Even if we didn’t even know men looked at us. Then I got married again and again I had a jealous husband. Oh, I cheated on him once and he suspected it, even confronted me with it, but he never learned the truth.
Fact is, I was jealous too in all of these relationships. It was only after my second marriage failed that I realized that jealousy is something that consumes you from within. It’s a negative emotion that pulls you downward and make you feel like shit. An epiphany was when I learned that insecurity fueled my own jealousy. How did I learn this? I think Master T was the one who put me on the right road for this life lesson. We fell in love fairly quickly after we started chatting to each other, but by then I was still not officially divorced. I wanted to be in a relationship with Him, but Master T told me that I should first learn to stand on my own two feet.
This sort of irked me, but it was made better because he said that I should just live my life the way I wanted to, as long as I kept on telling Him exactly what I did and as long as I didn’t forget about Him. He wanted to be part of my life. I had a relationship then, had some one night stands and some lunch fucks, but I always returned to Master T. We were deeply in love, but it took us about a year and a half to both be ready to enter a formal relationship.
By the time we did, I have grown into a confident woman who knew that she was loved and treasure by the man she loved. I have learned to love myself and with Master T I never tried to be the woman He wanted me to be, like I did with previous relationships. No, I was just me and He loved me for who I was. And still does.
Both Master T and I have the same opinion about jealousy: it’s a waste of energy.
Okay, now this of course is very easy to say, but in practice it can be different. However, in our life there just is no room for jealousy. We tell each other everything, we are honest toward each other and never have to guess what the other is doing. Of course our D/s relationship has tightened this bond and when we discussed the possibility of ‘playing’ with other people, we decided on one ground rule: we will always be together – in the same room. At first Master T was not planning to engage sexually with any other woman, but gradually He has changed His mind about this. This decision resulted in a beautiful experience, where I was privileged to watch another woman suck and swallow Him. It was amazing to see and even though I always said that jealousy is a waste of energy, I was totally amazed that I did not feel any jealousy at all.
However, there was another time where I had bad feelings about something Master T was doing, but I do not want to describe that as jealousy. Master T was chatting to someone in a D/s setting- a woman. I discovered this by accident, and it really bugged me that He had not told me anything about it. It took me 24 hours of feeling bad and shedding some tears to build up the courage to ask Him about it. He laughed and hugged me and asked me whether I was jealous. No, I wasn’t. Jealousy sprouts from the fear of an anticipated loss of something of great value, and I was not afraid that I might lose Master T. No, I felt shut out. We always tell each other everything, and that time He didn’t tell me about talking to this sub. I just felt shut out, and that hurt. Once that was fixed, the bad feelings disappeared.
Life is so much easier without jealousy. We involve other people in our sex play – couples, but Master T also allows other men to use me and He watches while they do, or joins in and of course He makes photos of (almost) everything that happens. I make eye contact with Him several times during such an evening as He and I understand each other without words. That’s our way of checking up on each other, to see if we both are still having fun. If jealousy would have played a role in our relationship, it would most probably not have been possible to enjoy our play dates the way we do.
Jealousy is an emotion that can play up at any time, but I am thankful that it’s not part of our relationship, as I had my fair share of it and can live perfectly without it!
© Rebel’s Notes