G is for ‘Girlfriend’

letterGI want a girlfriend.

A girlfriend who will be my lover, but also my friend.

I want a girlfriend.

Sigh… I know, this is no news.

About 20 years ago I was in a relationship with a married couple. That was my first bisexual relationship with a woman, my first relationship with a couple. It ended bad. Really bad. Abusive. But for 7 of the 9 months I was with them, I was sad. Why? Because she wasn’t bisexual by nature, but bisexual because her husband wanted her to be. And, she did not want to be my friend. She saw me as a threat to her marriage.

Disappointment after that experience had me ignoring my bisexual side. I did not want a girlfriend anymore. I did not want to be involved with a woman. But, one cannot ignore something that is so much part of who you are, so gradually, as I healed, I started being interested again. I wanted a girlfriend, but how to get one? I do not take the lead. I cannot take the lead. I don’t know how. I am afraid of making a fool out of myself, of ‘reading’ interest and then realizing I am totally wrong about it.

But, if the other woman shows interest too, I am an open book. I show my interest, for a friendship, for something deeper to develop from the friendship. I keep in contact. Not constantly, but frequently. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m stalking them. I don’t want to make a nuisance of myself. But, I do keep in contact.

I’ve had some experiences in the past years where I thought the woman felt the same as I did, but those ended in terrible disappointments. Once I realized that all contact came from my side, I stopped and waited for a sign of interest from the other side. It never came. Some of those experiences had me in tears and sad for days. Those experiences have also made me more cautious and skeptical that I will ever find a woman who wants the same as I do. Although, there is one I know off, but there’s just too much water between us.

I want a girlfriend who will be my lover, but also my friend. I want a girlfriend who I can laugh with, cry with, share with. I want a girlfriend who values keeping in contact just as much as I do. I want a girlfriend who would not expect me to claim her and would not claim me. I want a girlfriend for fun times, for sexy times, for intimate times. I want a girlfriend who will be my girlfriend for me, and not because she wants to please her husband or boyfriend or even my Husband. I want a girlfriend for her softness, her love, her care. I want a girlfriend to care for, to love.

I want a girlfriend who wants a girlfriend too.

I want a girlfriend.

© Rebel’s Notes

This post ties in with the A-Z Blogging Challenge
G = Girlfriend