Demons from the past

taskWe received a task.

The moment I heard what our task was, I laughed. Only minutes later I was fighting the tears. At first, when I felt the laughter, I knew it was purely because of nerves. The tears came just after the thought “am I not good enough anymore? Are we not good enough?”

I knew those questions were irrational and I also knew where they came from. I started to fight it right then, but every couple of days they bubbled to the surface and I had to fight them right down again. I was determined to do this task.

The task we had was to arrange for a third submissive woman to be present with our next play date. Punishment for not succeeding in this task was total orgasm denial for the entire evening.

My negative feelings were not about the task.Nothing wrong with this task, right? It’s exciting and interesting and it can never be wrong to expand a circle of kinky friends. My negative feelings was all about demons from the past. I have not even realized that those demons were still somewhere in there until they were triggered shortly after it sunk in what the task was.

Let me explain…

Some 20 years ago, in a totally different lifetime, I was involved in a relationship with a married couple. He courted me and I fell in love with him long before I knew he was married. By the time he introduced me to his wife, all I wanted was to be able to be part of his life, so I got involved with her too. It was his request, actually more or less a demand. If I want him in my life, she had to be a part of it too. I know, this sounds very fucked up and looking back on it, I know it was. But at the time I made the decision and for a while I was happy. Until he invited a third woman in for sexy fun. No problem there, as we all could have had fun, was it not that he told his wife and me that we were so boring that he just had to invite another woman for him to even get excited. It was not only this one woman. There were more. Sometimes only one of them, sometimes two of them at the same time. His wife and I were treated as their maids, having to see that everyone had something to eat and drink. I was still in love with him and did everything to get back into his good graces, for him to find me ‘good enough’ again. He constantly told me how boring I was, how ugly my body was, how my body disgusted him. Up to the end of our relationship, I never was ‘good enough’ again. He kept on inviting other women for his pleasure.

It took a while (years) for me to understand that he always was the one with the problem and that he was just a very evil and insecure man. However, the 9 months that I was involved with him had left many marks on me. Physical ones too. That 9 months was also the reason why I haven’t touch a woman for more than 10 years, why I totally ignored my bisexual nature. But in the meantime I have worked through all the issues and left that behind me as a bad experience.

That is what I thought…

Then came the moment that we received the task…

Demons from the past instantly appeared. Am I not good enough anymore? Are we not good enough? Are we not exciting the men anymore? Why should another woman join us? I shook my head, pushed the thoughts away and bit my tongue not to say ugly things. I knew I was being unreasonable. Thankfully, I instantly recognized that I was fighting irrational fears. At first I only succeeded for a couple of minutes to push the thoughts away. I cried. I was scared. I felt insecure. I felt worthless. I knew I was not, but I could not stop the thoughts. I told Master T and of course He assured me that this was not the case. I KNEW this was not the case. It was just my irrational fears speaking. Those irrational fears played a nasty movie in my head: I saw myself at the play date and I was this woman feeling insecure and inferior and ugly. It took a night’s sleep after hearing what our task was to settle the fears in my head.

For the first of the four weeks we had to execute the task, I could ignore it. I was fine. Then came the moment that we had to take action and all those fears and thoughts came flooding back again. This second time I had to fight even harder to push the thoughts away. Master T really did a great job of comforting me, telling me I should not worry and everything will be okay. I knew it would and I knew those thoughts were totally stupid. What I knew even more than anything else was that this experience – the task – will help me to fight those demons.

The task was supposed to be fun, right? Something we could work on together, get nervous about together, have fun together in doing the preparations. We had fun! It took all my inner power to focus on the positive and fun side of it, even though I got increasingly more nervous the closer the date got. Nervous was good. Insecurities not. As long as I concentrated on the fun first, forget about being nervous and totally ignore my insecurities, I was going to be okay, right?

And I was alright. Once we had placed the advert on Fetlife, I did not feel all those demons from the past anymore. They were still there, but I managed to focus on the task and push the demons back to the hole they have been living in all these years. I did so up to a point where I was indifferent. Indifferent to the demons and indifferent to the thought that we might not be good enough. This was my natural defense mechanism taking over, protecting me from my own dark thoughts.

I had mixed feelings the closer we got to the day of the play date. Our advert on Fetlife and our calls on Twitter did not seem to have any effect. On the one hand I was very disappointed about this and on the other hand I felt a bit of relief, since not succeeding in our task would mean that the dark thoughts would stay away. But, it also meant we would be punished…

© Rebel’s Notes

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11 thoughts on “Demons from the past

  1. is it not insane how a brief relationship, no matter how long ago, can leave deep marks that only can be seen in certain lights. Thank you for this honest and open post. No kick that demons ass and know your Rebel tough! 🙂

    1. It is. Bad relationships can leave a terribly deep mark on one’s soul. I am fighting my demons and thankfully I do not have to do that every day anymore 🙂

  2. Those demons are horrible, aren’t they? Thank you so much for sharing this, Marie – it’s hard to read (not as hard as to live through, though) but definitely helpful to know that those of us who also have challenges are not alone.

    xx Dee

    1. Thank you for your comment, Dee. To me it is indeed soothing to know I am not the only one fighting those demons.

      Rebel xox

  3. I have been there also with these feelings of insecurity triggered from past experiences. I hope the outcome was successful and your fears quelled as a result.

    ~Mia~ xx

    1. The outcome was very positive and really helped me to move forward. Hope you do not have to work through negative feelings too much and that you are surrounded by positive things 🙂

      Rebel xox

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