If you look at my blog, you will think I never have a problem with nudity. That, however, is not entirely true. There are times when I have a problem with being nude.
When growing up, I was used to seeing my mom suntanning nude in the garden. I did not find it strange at all, neither sexual. I never joined her suntanning like that, maybe because my father never was as free as she was. I have never seen my father naked. I was about ten when I got in touch with erotic nudity for the first time. I was looking for hidden Christmas presents (yes, seriously!) and opened the door to my father’s closet. On the inside of the door was a picture of a beautiful woman, sitting with her legs spread on the beach, water splashing against her full bush. Beautiful! Yes, that was what I thought back then too!
When I was about 20 I visited a nude community for the first time. I was invited to visit friends on their holiday. I stayed clothed, but felt incredibly uncomfortable because of it. My boyfriend of the time had forbidden me to be naked while visiting. Three years later I lived in a beach town where they had a nude beach. By then I had lost my shyness (and the boyfriend) and felt confident about my body. I frequently visited the nude beach and really enjoyed it.
I still enjoy being naked, but there are times when my insecurities play up…
John’s prompt about nudity tied in nicely with a recent Submissive Journal Prompt:
You are to be nude in front of a group of nude people. Would you feel more comfortable with average to skinny people or overweight to obese? Why do you think you feel that way?
For the bigger part of my adult life I have been okay with being nude, depending on the situation. I can be very self-conscious when I am nude in the ‘wrong’ place like outside in nature or any place where you are not supposed to be nude. I also feel uncomfortable about being nude when I am not in sync with my body. The scar on my tummy sometimes makes me feel inferior too and sometimes I am even afraid that it might freak people out. Those are the times when I feel fat and ugly and then I feel inferior to any other naked woman in the room with me.
I have never had weight problems, until I had to use hormones in the first half of my twenties. I gained 25kg and once I stopped the hormones, I lost 10. I made the mistake to follow a diet to lose the other 15kg. I say mistake, because it took me many years to realize that I never should have started on a diet. Eight years ago I followed my last diet, lost 15kg and when I looked in the mirror, I did not like what I saw. I was too thin. Still, I vowed never to gain weight again, but once I started eating normal again, I gained all the weight I had lost and some more. I vowed never to follow a diet again. Up to now I have kept to that vow, but there are days that I waver, that I want to start dieting again.
That feeling is especially strong when I have been nude with others. Especially when those others are thinner than I am and their bodies more beautifully shaped. I tend to hate my body for days after that, wanting nothing more than to go on a diet again. Thankfully, up to now I have not started on a diet, because I know if I do, I will increase the jojo effect – lose weight and then after that gain it all back, plus some extra. That is how I got to the point where I am now. On the other hand, I know what I have to do to lose at least some weight, and dieting it definitely is not. I just have to DO it.
The one person that ALWAYS makes me feel good about my body, no matter how I sometimes feel about it, is Master T. He loves my body, loves my curves, loves me nude, loves to feel my naked skin. He will never complain about my being slightly overweight. In fact, He once told me that back when I was so thin, He accepted it, but He did not really like it. He prefers my curves. I sleep naked and if I can, I wander around the house without clothing. The latter doesn’t happen a lot because of the kids. I frequently go to the wellness resort and there I just love to swim naked or sunbathe naked. Strangely enough, when I have been naked at the wellness resort all day, I never hate my body afterward. Probably because there are women of all shapes and sizes over there.
So to answer the submissive journal prompt – in general I do not have a preference whether I am with average to skinny or overweight people, but if I am feeling low about myself, I can easily feel like whoever I am with have a nicer body than I have and then I feel bad about myself. It depends on how I feel and not what the other people look like.
Then, one last thing. As is evident on this site, I love to show off my naked body in revealing photographs. I do not like all my photos. I am my worst critic, but no matter how bad I sometimes feel about my naked body, I still am an exhibitionist and like to show it off!
© Rebel’s Notes
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