I have always said that this is something that I don’t want to do, and somehow I have gotten myself into a position where I feel I did it. Looking back on it, I understand how it happened, but I wish it never did.
As you all can read on this blog, our D/s relationship is something we live 24/7 and also that we only started with it about two years ago. I believe that I am still in training and that I will be for some years to come. Therefore, with this topping from the bottom thing, well, I see that as part of my training too.
So, I can hear you asking, what happened? Well, actually, life happened. Work during the week, play during weekends, family life every day and then Christmas. And New Years. It was in those days that I started to feel restless. Even though we had our sessions in that time which did settle some of my restlessness, it did not entirely leave me. I wanted more than Master T could give me at the moment. I noticed that He was tired, even a bit distracted. All He wanted was to relax. He was not thinking about dominating me at all. Work was just too busy and tiring at that moment. I felt abandoned. Unjustifiably so. He never abandoned me. He just needed some rest.
For some days I could reason with myself and I totally understood that I should just allow Him to recover, but the negative feelings inside me just took over. Those negative feelings were about myself. I did not feel worthy. Combine those negative feelings with my restlessness and there was a recipe for disaster. Or, a recipe to do something I did not want to do: top from the bottom.
I told Master T how I was feeling. Nothing wrong there, but I did it in such a way that I wanted to trick Him back into action. I kept on pushing that I wanted to get back to what we had, that in my opinion too little was happening. Of course, it would have been sufficient if I only told Him that I was feeling restless. He would have perfectly understood my feelings and still would have acted only when He wanted to. But I had to push. There was something in me that just had to do it. Master T really understood how I felt, but He did not allow me to trick Him into any kind of action. Bless Him for that.
But it still did not make me feel better for topping Him from the bottom. I just should not have done this, despite my need for dominance. And even after this realization, I did not know how to get back to the level where I just accept that Master T is the one who decides what will happen.
Until the day that I had a chat with a sub friend of mine. I told her how I felt and just by talking to her some things just fell into place again. I told her how I know that I have to be patient until Master T is not as tired anymore. She said that it’s not about waiting for Master T to do something that I want Him to do, but that everything that He wants is okay, so I never have to wait. It’s not about accepting the non-action as something that I don’t want, but really accepting it as something that He chooses. She told me to enjoy the things that DO happen and not to think about the things that don’t.
True words from someone I consider to be a dear friend. It won’t be easy, but this is something I will keep in mind, that whatever happens is exactly what Master T wants. Yes, as my friend also said, it’s free to ask Master T for things, but I should always accept His answer, whether I like it or not. He is the one who decides what will happen and when it will happen. As said in the beginning of this post, I believe that this is part of my training, as letting go is not as easy as it sounds. Topping from the bottom is a lot easier, but exactly something I do not want to do.
© Rebel’s Notes