I was in need. Life just happened and it left me feeling a deep need. A need to be dominated. We were both tired. Work was busy in the new year. Life was busy. We were glad to get to bed in the evenings and tired when we woke up in the morning. I understood all this and knew that nothing was going wrong with our (D/s) relationship, but still some dark thoughts started deep in my mind. I fought hard to keep them away, thought about the upcoming date we had planned and tried to focus on that, but somehow the dark thoughts just took over. During daytime all I could think about was wanting to be at Master T’s side and for Him to dominate me in any way He wanted. In bed at night, laying in His arms and feeling very tired, I wished He would pinch my nipples just once. I wanted to feel something. Anything to just get rid of the intense need that I felt. In a time span of just over a week my thoughts and feelings literally drove me to tears.
I knew I had to talk to Master T and I reverted to the best way in which I could form words: writing. It took two sentences to tell Him how I felt. Of course He told me that I should never worry, but at the same time He understood that I did. He knows how I am and He also knew that I was fighting away the dark thoughts. He held me extra tight in bed that night, but still no dominance. I craved it, but I felt calmer for having told Him how I felt. I knew He understood and I knew that I just had to be patient. I just did not know how long I could be patient before the dark thoughts and tears would take over and sent me into a frenzy again.
This phase I went through ended abruptly. Master T made up for all the tears I shed at my own doing. But that’s a story for another post. This phase also made me think. What was it that I was craving so much? I have learned that I love pain. Being spanked or whipped makes me wet and leaves me feeling horny. Does it always have to be a spanking or whipping? No, pinching my nipples is good too. Especially since I have realized that I can climax from having my nipples pinched. So yes, I love pain, but after thinking about it and talking to a friend who made a remark regarding her own relationship, it dawned on me that it’s not the pain that I start missing in phases where life just happens around us. Sometimes my thoughts just need a little push, either by reading something or by talking to someone.
It’s the dominance that goes hand in hand with the spankings and the whippings and the pinching. I miss the dominance. I want to be dominated. I want to feel His leadership, His ownership and I can hardly go without it for one day. Yes, I sleep with my collar every night, which is wonderful, but it’s not always enough. Sometimes I want Him to pull me closer using the ring on the collar and kiss me as possessively as only He can. Or to hold me in His arms and just pinch my nipples a couple of times before we go to sleep, just to remind me that He can do to my body whatever He wants to do. Or maybe for Him to tell me to come sit at His feet while we are still downstairs watching TV before we go to bed. Or even to just get me on my knees in front of Him so He could kiss me. Sometimes only a short moment is enough to feed this need in me.
Will I be able to live entirely without pain? Maybe, but I prefer not to.
Will I be able to live entirely without His dominance? No.
I guess I learned something about myself again…
© Rebel’s Notes