I needed it…

Christmas Day 2012 brought me some tears. Unexpectedly. Or maybe I should have expected it. I felt pushed aside. Not by the people close to me, but by those somewhat further away. Family. Some should be close family, but they are not. Not anymore. Yes, I have pushed them aside too. I can live my life without them. I have to. I have pushed them aside as an act of self defense. I have long ago noticed that I am not as important to them as they are to me. Because that hurt too much, I started to back away from them. I put some distance between them and me. I concentrated on my close circle – my Husband, my kids, my mom. I do not find it too difficult to keep the distance between me and those family members.

Until it’s Christmas…

Is this why I have come to resent Christmas time? Because it puts me in a reflective mode? Because I long to hear from those who obviously do not long to hear from me? Every year I send them Christmas and New Year’s messages. This year with Christmas I sent nothing. I wanted to see who might think of me.

No one did.

I kept my cool all day, not showing that I felt hurt, until we talked about how short life is and about the reality of death. It as unrelated to my thoughts of those family members, but I cried. No one knew why I really cried. Yes, I cried because I did not want to think about death. But I also cried because I hurt from not hearing from those I thought would at least remember me on Christmas Day.

It left me feeling needy.

I wanted to feel.

I needed to feel my collar around my neck. I wanted to feel it because it symbolizes that I belong to Him. That he wants me. That he loves me. That he claims me. That he will never push me aside.

I know this sounds so weak and whiny, but I needed it. On Christmas night all I wanted was to feel my collar around my neck and His arm around me.

And I did.

It made me feel loved. Wanted. Safe.

I was where I belong.

With Him.

One of my collars...
One of my collars…

© Rebel’s Notes

9 thoughts on “I needed it…

    1. I know I should. I sometimes forget that, sometimes still think I should always be strong. Master T indeed is my rock. Thanks for reminding me 🙂

      Rebel xox

  1. So familiar, very well written. The last 2 years I’ve waited for a cards or a phone call-but nothing. I know ‘the door swings both ways’, but it hadn’t for years. I’m sorry you felt the sadness, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I do envy you though in that you felt wanted in the end, right now I don’t have that, soon I hope…

    1. I think I should accept that this door is closed. They have decided that I am not important anymore, so I have to concentrate on other things, on people that make me feel happy.
      And I am thankful that I have my Master, who understands me a lot better than I sometimes do.

      Rebel xox

  2. I’m sorry Christmas brings with it sadness. My husband also gets depressed and moody during christmas for his own reasons. I don’t have a close family. Just my mom. Because I lived in the US and all other members of my family in EU, I never grew close to any of them and I don’t talk to anyone today.

  3. Pingback: Sultry Saturday – Edition Two
  4. I know this all too well! You actually sound just like me with my family. I’m so glad to not be the only one. And I love how you describe the collar as something that reminds you where you belong. That is what the collar is all about. Lovely entry. Thank you for submitting to Sultry Saturday.


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