Two weeks ago I did a post on whether submission is what I really want. This was a question that Master T has asked me and it ignited several thoughts in my mind. One question that stuck in my head like a broken record was: Have I always been submissive?
It took my thoughts along long forgotten roads…
When I was 9 years old, I was sexually abused. I have never felt traumatized by this. I knew that what happened was wrong, but I never told anyone. Not until I was an adult and had kids of my own, whom I protected with my life and watched everyone around them like a hawk.
Back then, I liked to ‘do things’ to myself, like push a match stick between my pussy lips and pretending that someone has told me that it should stay there. I would quickly lose interest and minutes later would be innocently playing with my dolls or talking to my mom or dad. In the same time frame and for about two years I had a fixation on role play. I dressed up as a royal, but I was never the queen or the princess or any kind of important person. No, I was a servant. Oh how I loved to play those games. I had hours of fun and I can still picture myself in our back garden, dressed up and doing things I was instructed to do by the royals. The things I had to do always had a sexual undertone, such as pulling my panties to the side and exposing my sex.
Something else I did a lot when I was younger and even in my early teens, was to lie in bed and pretend that I was in hospital. I liked the idea that the ‘doctors and nurses’ had told me to lay on my back, arms above the blankets and to stay still. I cannot tell you how many nights I fell asleep like that, laying still because I was ‘instructed’ to do so by the imaginary medical staff.
Fast forward to my late teens, early twenties…
If I look at my life, I can say that other than Master T I have had five relationships that had the potential to be for a lifetime. That was how I viewed the relationships when I was in them. In those five relationships I changed myself to the person I thought the man in question wanted me to be. I wanted the men to take control, to be the stronger one, but none of them stepped up to fulfill that role. The first was a total rollover, who disappeared when the going got tough. The second definitely had the potential to take control, was it not that he followed his dick and fucked every woman he could find, leaving me feeling very inferior and insecure. The third was younger than I was. He was into older women, but apparently I was just not old enough for him.
The fourth wanted a maid to clean his house and always wanted me to be ready for him to fuck me. This might sound wonderful, but he was lazy and verbally abusive and in my opinion a man who did not show any backbone at all. I lost my respect for him, tried to salvage the relationship a couple of times and then just gave up. The next relationship I was in was the same: a man with no backbone at all. He was not abusive in any way, but he never made any decisions. Whatever I suggested, whatever I wanted, was okay. He was not a man, he was a wuss. He wanted us to be equals, but I eventually realized that an equal relationship did not work for me. And what we had, did not feel like an equal relationship at all. I had to be the leader and I just did not want to be the leader.
Up to that moment I have not heard of dominance and submission at all.
Then I met Master T.
No, we did not immediately engage in a D/s relationship. Our D/s relationship was a natural development of our lives together. But, from the beginning Master T was the one who made the final decisions. Yes, He asked for my opinion, but He never just told me: you decide. We discussed things. In a way we were equals, but then again we were not. From the beginning He was the one in control of our finances and this just felt right. Slowly, without knowing it, I settled into my role as submissive. I felt happy, content. I have found the place I wanted to be. I was at peace with myself, being who I truly am and not changing myself to be the woman the man in my life wanted me to be. No, the man in my life – Master T – accepted me the way I was, the submissive, the sometimes ‘needy’ woman, but also the strong woman. He accepted all aspects of me and grew into His dominant role. Our D/s relationship naturally developed. It was there before we both understood that it was.
Again I ask myself the question: Have I always been submissive?
Yes. I have the feeling I have always been submissive. As a child I played those games but never told anyone about it. Why not? Maybe because society expected and still expects women to be strong, to be equals of men? Maybe society taught me that it was wrong to have submissive feelings and therefore I have locked the submissive in me away? Maybe that was the one piece that was missing in all those relationships – me denying my true nature? I tried to be what the men wanted me to be, but I could not be my true self. I could not be both the strong woman and the submissive, the way I am now.
All of this is only guesswork on my side. I don’t know for sure. I am still pondering on this question, still wondering if being submissive has always been part of who I am. I like to think that all this time all I needed was to find the man who held the key to unlock the submissive so she could come out and play.
Yes, that is the answer that works for me…
© Rebel’s Notes
The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was “Have I always been?”
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