Stoplight & Grunting

Browsing through the articles of the Sexis Magazine on EdenFantasys, a specific article caught my eye. The title of the article is Stop in the Name of Love: Safewords.

As is quite evident from my blog, my Husband and I are in a D/s relationship. This relationship of us just had its first birthday at the end of January and we are still exploring, learning and searching for our utter limits. There are some things that we already know we will never try, but there are also some things that we want to try, but up to now we have only spoken about it or just did not have the opportunity to execute some of our fantasies. One of the things we will never do is needle play. I respect what others do, but I cannot even bear to look at it, let alone have someone do it to me. It took a lot of courage for me to have both my inner labia and my clitoral hood pierced.

Something we really would like to try – it’s one of my deepest desires – is for Him to mark me. He has done so before, but the marks disappeared after an hour or so. What I want is to have marks that will only go away after a couple of days. Since we have children, we are limited to what we can do here at home. Yes, we play, but we try not to be loud. It has happened that one of the kids wanted to know what he heard every evening. “It sounds like skin being smacked,” he said and then we knew we had to be more careful.

But this is not about us seeking to find our hard limits. This is about safewords. My Husband knows me better than any other person ever did and He knows how far he can push me. However, we have been talking about including other people in our play and it was then that I told him I wanted a safeword. When it’s only Him and me, He knows exactly what signals to look for and when to stop or how far he can go. But when someone else is present, He might not see those signals. I want to feel safe and I know he always wants me to be and feel safe.

The verbal safeword was quickly decided. “Yellow” to let him know that I am getting close to a point where I cannot handle it anymore and “Red” to tell him that he should stop immediately. And we even decided that if I say “green” he knows he can turn it up a notch. I admit that we agreed on this after I have searched the internet and found that there are actually the most commonly used safewords. In the article on Sexis Magazine this stoplight method is also explained in the paragraph headed ‘Types of Safewords’.

The stoplight method will work perfectly for us, but…

… yes, there is a ‘but’.

Recently He bought a gag. Suddenly the thought hit me: how will I be able to use a safeword when I am gagged? I mean, red might sound like “eeeeh” en yellow like “eeoow”. He would not know what I mean and might mistake it for a sound of pleasure, since I can be quite verbal during play! So we definitely need something else. I started surfing the web again. I found several things ranging from signs with fingers and clapping your hand against your leg or any other part of your body. These are things that can be used, yes, but what if I am tied up and gagged at the same time? What if my hands are behind my back and we have decided that I would use a sign? He won’t be able to see it. And what if my hands are tied in such a manner that slapping against my body might not even make a proper sound? Both these safe signals were dismissed in my mind.

I also found the suggestion of making a series of grunts. Under the heading ‘Safe Signals’ this is also mentioned. I have already told my Husband that we should think about a safe signal to replace the safewords, but think I have already found the solution in using a series of grunts. Only think I still have to discuss with him is what the series will be. One grunt might not be enough, but a triple grunt might just do the trick.

I hope that I will never have to use either a safeword or a safe signal. I know there is nothing wrong with using one and I know that it’s the sensible thing to do to have safewords in place, but still I trust that my Husband knows me well enough to know what I can handle and what not. In many ways he knows me better than I know myself and because of this, I might never have to use a safeword. Still, having it in place feels like the most responsible thing to do.

The article on Sexis Magazine has given me some more insight into safewords and helped me to make a decision on what safe signal to use.

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