Mindfuck (Epilogue)

He booked us a night in a hotel – something we have never done before. Since all I have to do is to be there and submit myself to whatever would happen, many thoughts mixed with each other in my head. The mindfuck started. He would make a remark and then just say nothing anymore – not answer any of my questions. This ‘series’ will be about the thoughts in my mind, things I think that might happen. Fantasies, you might call them. Fantasies that might soon be turned into reality… or fantasies to be lived out at another similar occasion.

Note after writing this: Somehow it took only seconds to imagine an entire scene but it proved to be quite hard to describe the images I have in my head.

Continued from Mindfuck (4/4)


My Husband has been following this series and commented on it. The remark that I still play around in my mind is that he was pleased to see that I have accepted the fact that it can happen that another man will fuck me in the ass. I looked at him with questions in my eyes when he said this. I had to think hard where this remark of him came from.

I think it has to do with the fact that I have always though that he should be the only one to fuck my ass, as he knows my body like no other man will ever know it. It was a ‘soothing’ thought to think that he will then be the only one to take me anally. With the recent ass trainings I have had and him telling me frequently that he would love to watch when another man fucks my ass, I think I have indeed accepted that it will eventually happen. The thought of this does not scare me anymore. On the contrary, it excites me. A lot.

After what I have written in Mindfuck 2/4, he also said that there was another scenario I have to keep in mind: that he sits and watches while another man fucks me. It was not the first time that I heard this, but somehow I must have banned it from my mind. His remark instantly brought the thoughts and feelings back again. Will I be able to handle it? I kind of picture him in a chair next to the bed, while I am on the bed with another man. No matter what the other man is doing, my Husband watches and enjoys the way that I am being used. I still have difficulty with understanding my feelings when I think of this. There is doubt, excitement, fear – all kinds of different feelings running through me. Will I be able to do it? What if I cannot ‘perform’?

I think that whatever scenario I will be in next week when we are in the hotel, the first moments might be called ‘stage fright’. Or it might be the same as when I had to write exams in the past: on my way to the exam I am nervous as hell. Waiting for the paper to be hand out, I am nervous as hell. Looking through the questions I am nervous as hell. And then calmness will come over me and I can do the exam. In the hotel – or any future sexual experience involving other people – stage fright might be part of me for the first moments. And then, instead of calmness helping me to perform, horniness will take over and I will enjoy!

Other thoughts about the hotel have crossed my mind too. I have this deep desire in me and at the same time I fear it. I want him to break me. I want him to be harsh to me, to demand my submission for each and every minute that we spend in that room. I want him to use the paddle on my over and over again while we are in the hotel room. I want him to use the cane – and not only on my buttocks. I want to hurt for days afterwards so I can think back to our first night ever in a hotel with a smile. I want to be marked. I want to feel the welts and I want to see the bruises. I want him to fuck me in all ways possible. I want him to make me cry. And to love me and hold me after he has hurt me.

I want this. And I fear it.

© Rebel’s Notes

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