A couple of weeks ago I had a terrible week. No, I had a terrible day. It all started out after I had a chat with someone in the same country as I live in. I spoke to my Husband afterwards, telling Him about the chat I had. We always discuss everything very openly. We like the young woman I have been talking but we both knew and accepted that she would never be a sex partner. Just to be clear, this was not the trigger for my terrible day. But our conversation did continue to having a third person join us for sex.
Talking about this triggered my memory about another chat that I had with a friend.
But first some background information: My Husband and I met this man in the city a couple of months ago. The meeting was arranged so my Husband could see whether this man is a ‘suitable candidate’ to join us for sexy fun. I know this man from years ago, when he and I met for sex a couple times. After our meeting, My Husband agreed that this man was kind and could join us, but there was one problem: it was difficult to find a slot in the three agendas to agree for an appointment. To be honest, I also was very reluctant to make an appointment for sex. I wanted it to ‘just happen’. In the meantime I have changed my mind about that, but still, synchronizing our agendas with each other still is a problem.
Okay, to get back to the chat that I suddenly remembered. I told my Husband about it and His reaction was a bit strained. It was very clear that He was not happy with the fact that up to that point I have forgotten to tell Him about the conversation I had with this man. He was definitely not angry with me. I think He was disappointed. This was even worse than if He would have been angry. To me, at that very moment, it felt as if I was balancing on the edge of a cliff. The feeling that He was disappointed with me was almost too much to bear. With words I tried to make it better and for the first time I spoke about my inner doubts: I told Him that I don’t believe that we will ever find another person to be with us. I said that I should just put my stupid desires out of my head.
That evening when I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, I cried. When He was in the bathroom and I was already in bed, I cried. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes, hiding it from Him. I woke up very down the next morning, still sad. I felt as if one of my dreams were shattered. On my way to work and during the day I frequently felt the tears. At my work something else happened – another dream got shattered – a career dream. By then I was ready to jump off the cliff, not wanting to balance on the edge anymore, but to just let go. In email I told my Husband about my tears.
When I came home, all He did was open His arms for me and let me cry. Both He and I knew that I was not only crying about what happened at my work. Again, when I went to sleep that night, I felt tears in my eyes.
On my way work the next morning I felt stronger. I rethought what happened and decided: I will just be happy with what I have. I have my Husband. I have my job. I should not want more. I will be happy. The more I long for things outside of this, the less I might see, enjoy and appreciate what I have. Turning my back on the edge of the cliff and walking away felt good, but I was still in conflict with myself. My conflict was caused by me still longing for a woman to be with.
That evening my Husband and I had a talk. I told Him that I have decided to put my dreams for a third person – male or female – aside; that I would just be happy with what we have. He fully understood my decision, but asked me to always keep in mind that one of His dreams is to see me used by others. He told me that He had no desire at all to be with another woman – that I am and will always be the only one He desires, but that He wants to see how others enjoy my body. I explained my conflict to Him; that my desire for a woman is very strong, but that I am tired of being disappointed all over again. He understood.
I admitted to Him that I can handle anything, but there is one thing I would never be able to handle: the end of our D/s relationship. I would rather die than live without it. He promised that this would never happen.
These words of mine made me remember the very last part I read in the Story of O:
In a final chapter, which has been suppressed, O returned to Roissy,
where she was abandoned by Sir Stephen.
There exists a second ending to the story of O, according to which O, seeing that Sir Stephen was about to leave her, said she would prefer to die. Sir Stephen gave her his consent.
My inner conflict might continue, but in a different way. I am happy with the relationship my Husband and I have. I am happy to be with Him. The longing to be with a woman will always be inside me, but it will not be all-consuming anymore. Being with another man is a very sexy thought, but cannot be described as a longing the same way as I want to be with a woman. Oh, I would love to experience being with two men at least once in my life, but if it never happens, it will be okay. Not ever being with a woman again will probably be okay too in the end, but I think it will take much longer for me to accept it.
For now I am putting the desires to have another person joining our sexy life on hold. I am banning the conflict from my mind and just concentrating on becoming the perfect submissive to my Husband.
PS: This week’s prompt for Wank Wednesday was #cliff
© Rebel’s Notes