Conflict (revisited)

Last week I wrote about my conflict

After that post – actually the following day – my Husband and I had another talk. He told me that He is still keeping all options open and I told him that I am not going to focus on being with someone else anymore. That I feel that focusing on that is distracting me from what the two of us have. He agreed with me and said that what we have is near perfect. And he is right, because what we have is just so very special. Not in my wildest dreams have I ever thought that I would have something so special in my life. I am privileged.

He led the conversation back to allowing either a man or a woman to have sex with me. It was only the next morning that I realized he was coaching me into talking, into expressing what I really want. I told him that even though I now understand that we will have to make an appointment with whomever we want to play with and I accept that, there was something else that was important to me. To me it is important that there is some kind of ‘bond’. The moment I said it out loud, I had to rephrase it.

It is important to me is that over time a kind of ‘bond’ or ‘friendship’ is formed. It we are going to make an appointment with only one person, it just feels normal to me that there is a ‘bond’. That it feels good, that some things have been discussed and you have a ‘feel’ for the person. I feel that both sides have to work for this, to get some kind of basis established on which you can build on, in other words, make appointments for sex. I want to feel at ease with such a person, otherwise I can just walk into our shopping center and make an appointment for sex with a total stranger.

Then, I said, that I do not exclude having sex with a total stranger, but it will be under different circumstances, in other words, no appointment would be made beforehand. In fact, I would not even know that I will have sex with a stranger until the moment it happens. I used a party or a bar or a restaurant or any other place we might go out too as an example. Just imagine, I said, that we have a very sociable evening, there are some clicks between people and we want to take it one step further. That will probably bring me to the point where I have sex with a stranger, without having made an appointment for it, but after I had a good time with him or her and have ‘feel’ for the person.

In other words, both scenarios I have mentioned boils down to more or less the same. I am willing to have sex with ‘strangers’ as long as I have some kind of bond with the person. I prefer the bond with the person who would be allowed to use me to be closer than a bond with strangers. However on an evening out and with some fun and laughter, one can easily be persuaded to engage in some sexual fun with a stranger. Let me say, I can see myself doing that. But meeting one person for an appointment somewhere… well then there will just have to be that bit more of a bond.

I think I have expressed myself quite clearly this time. I do not want to focus on a third (or fourth or fifth, etc.) anymore, but if it ever happens, there should be some kind feelings before anything can happen. I ended my conversation with my Husband saying that I am just so happy with what we have and that I can accept it if another person never joins us.

It was later in bed that my Husband came back on the conversation. He repeated some of the things I have said and of course I agreed with them all, happy that He has understood it so well. Then…
“You do understand that you have no say in this, right?”
I looked at Him in surprise.
“You will do as I say. I decide who will be allowed to use your body in my presence.”
“No, but! Listen. It will happen. When I want. With whom I want.”
“Okay,” I nodded and then my rebellious nature just popped up again, “but I am still not going to focus on it and I still want some kind of bond to…”
He muffled my last words with a kiss.

So, here I am… wondering where this would go. My thoughts tangle into many knots, but deep down I know that He definitely takes into account what I have said… and He knows that I know that He will make the right decision at the right time. Until then, I am just not focusing on being with anyone else…



PS: This week’s prompt for Wank Wednesday was #tangle.

© Rebel’s Notes

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