As all of you know, we are sort of taking a ‘time-out’ from our active D/s relationship. I am having ‘recovery time’. I am being treated for a ‘semi-frozen shoulder’ and stress release. Of course we do have sex. Yes, He does play rough, but in a very limited way. He pulls my nipples, pinches them. He forces me to keep my legs spread after an orgasm. Sometimes He puts my collar around my neck so I don’t forget how it feels. But for the most we are taking it easy, because of my physical condition. Because of this, there are two of my four daily tasks which I do not execute at this moment. Only once I can move my arm without it hurting anymore, will my Husband demand my full submission again.
Being in this interim phase does not mean that my mind has stopped too. There are so many thoughts! These thoughts come to me when I am under the shower, in the car on my way to my work or back home, when I go to the loo, just before I fall asleep, when I’m cooking, sometimes even when I am having a conversation with someone at work! The thoughts mostly come to me at the most unexpected times.
I want to be the perfect sub for my Husband. I can hardly wait for the day when He will demand my full submission again; the day when I will feel His loving harshness and His harsh love again. The day when I will wear His marks, put on my body by His hands or with His belt. And I want so much more! He is the one who will decide what I have to do, but still, I dream. I dream of daily tasks. Small tasks, big tasks. Tasks that take only a couple of minutes to complete or a task that will last the entire day. I dream of Him ordering me to wear stockings to my work, no panties. I dream of Him telling me to take my panties off before I come home from work. Or that I have to take my panties off, pull my skirt up in the car and drive home like that. I frequently drive in traffic jams and any truck driver will be able to see my naked pussy if I sit behind the steering wheel like that. Or maybe that He wants me to use my vibrator in the car on my way home from work.
Something else I dream of is that he orders me to take my buttplug with me to my work. That I am ordered to insert it at a certain time and walk around with it for the rest of the day. Or that he checks that I insert it before I leave for my work and that I am not to take it out until He allows me. Or that He would order me to masturbate several times during the working day, but that I will be forbidden to climax until in the evening, when He is with me. Or maybe even that He orders me to masturbate in my office on afternoons that I know I will be alone. Or that we take a walk and that He orders me to show Him my naked pussy.
I know many of these thoughts are things that I can just do to surprise him. However, somehow it will feel different to me when I receive an order from Him. It’s not about being able to do these things. I want to be mentally and physically aware of my submission every day. I want to grow back into my role as His sub. I want to become His perfect sub, to continue this road I have started on.
I am so tired of not being able to submit to him. Yes, I know my body needs the rest, the time to recover. And I am deeply thankful to him for giving me this time. But deep down I feel that the time has come to slowly pick things up again. The time has come to return to the road on which I have started some time ago.
What I desire most of all is to obey His orders. To feel His ownership, day after day. To be His in every possible way. And to please Him in every possible way.
I hope that soon we can slowly embark on my road to perfect submission again.
© Rebel’s Notes