My thoughts, my feelings

I decided that I want to write down my thoughts and ‘record’ the feelings inside me. The feelings I feel ever since I started my journey into true submission. The blog posts that follow under this heading (my Husband’s idea for a title) might seem as ramblings to some of you, but to me it’s important to put it on paper. Part of it because I am amazed at what this journey is doing to me. Part of it because once I have written something down, I can more easily say it out loud. And another part of me is that years from now, I want to be able to look back and see where I came from.

Where did the ‘decision’ to go down the road of submission come from? I specifically put the word ‘decision’ between quotation marks, because I don’t think one just wakes up one morning and decide: as from today I am going to be a submissive. For me at least, that was not the way it happened. It was something that has been growing in me for quite some time, though very subconsciously. We – both my Husband and me – grew to the point where I admitted that I want to be dominated. That I want to submit myself to him. That I want to not only be his wife, but his possession. To be owned by him.

It fitted. The moment we embarked on our journey I knew: this is what I want. This is right. This is how it should be. We spoke about it for some time more (weeks), but soon the decision was set: if I was going to be owned by him, I would wear his mark. He was going to have me tattooed. I was allowed to choose the design, which was very kind of him. Each time I see the tattoo on my leg, I know that he is my owner. And more so I know that I want to be owned by him.

In the first weeks of my journey, I tried to find websites that would tell me how to be the perfect sub. Of course, I could not find any. I wanted to do everything the way it should be. But soon I realized there is only one way it should be: His way. He would decide what I have to do. He will make me his perfect sub. Being his perfect sub will probably not make me the perfect sub to another Dom. But I don’t want to be any other Dom’s perfect sub. I want to be my Husband’s perfect sub. And He is the only one who can help me with that.

In my opinion, there is no ‘correct’ way for a D/s relationship. There is no ‘set of rules’ one has to follow to ‘prove’ you are in a D/s relationship. Our D/s relationship is just that: OURS. So during all these ramblings of mine, that is something that has to be kept in mind. This is the way WE choose to do it. This is the way it fits OUR lifestyle. And I am not typing this to defend myself or prevent from being ‘judged’. I just want to remind myself that I do not have to prove anything to anyone.

Something else I did when I was setting my first steps was to doubt myself. Am I ‘pretending’? Am I ‘playing a game’. What if after some time of ‘being sub’ I get bored and don’t want it anymore? These doubts probably came from a combination of my own insecurity (which still surfaces at times) and the disbelief at how happy I was that at last I can follow that feeling that I somehow always had in me. Because yes, when looking back on my life, I saw the ‘signs’. The little things that should have made me realize years ago that I am a submissive. I just never wanted to see it – probably because of circumstances in my life that demanded me to be strong. But even before those circumstances were there – in other words when I was still much younger – I now see the signs of my submissive nature. And something else that I firmly believe is that I would have never had admitted to having these submissive feelings if I have not met the right man. I know that I am very privileged to be married to the man that owns me.

My Husband took his ‘role’ as Dom on very quickly. Yet again, I am using quotation marks, as I feel that the word ‘role’ is not the correct one. It makes it sound as if we are ‘acting’ or ‘playing’. But for lack of a better word, I will stick to the word ‘role’. I think that my Husband was even more ready for it than I was. Maybe in a way he has led me to this, to discover it in myself. I have a feeling that he has recognized the submissive in me long before I did. Just as he knows I am stressed to tears long before I realize it. Sometimes he just knows me better than I know myself. Since during our time together I got used to him allowing me to do whatever I want and since now we have committed to the D/s relationship, he has decided that I need a training period. He would start out by not being too strict so I can get used to not being able to do everything I want anymore. Just typing this make me go wet, my nipples go hard. I know that the soft period will soon come to an end. I notice that he is getting stricter with me and sometimes that surprises me. But each time that he is strict(er), I feel my body react. I feel my mind react. And I get this feeling deep inside me: this is good. I am safe. I am His.

I started to notice that something in me was changing. In the beginning weeks of this road I am walking, I was all bubbly inside with exuberant feelings. Happiness all over. I took our new commitment serious, but the happiness first had to settle down. Then I started to notice changes in myself. Changes in my way of thinking. Changes in the way I act towards my Husband. Good changes. Changes that fit. That I wanted. I started playing with the thought to write about the things I was noticing. Sentences started to form in my head. I jotted down some keywords on a piece of paper. But I was not sure where to start, how to put my thoughts to paper. What should I write, without it sounding like the thoughts of a very confused mind? And then I read Molly’s post.

The part that specifically hit me was:

Do I know my submission fully? No, and much of this blog is about that very fact; the journey into my submission and my D/s relationship with Him. Both are constantly evolving and we are constantly learning. Sometimes I wonder how far my submission will take me, in fact at times my need to descend into my darkest submissive fantasies scares me. Could I, would I, should I? But then that is why I have Him. He knows that his role in that is to push me, to explore those boundaries with me, to guide me and protect me but to test me too.

I know I am submissive but I also know that it is not as clearly defined as that. It is WHAT I am, for sure, being owned and collared, used and abused and knowing my place with Him all brings me a happy sigh of contentment. It makes me feel safe and whole and has been one of the greatest discoveries about myself as a person that I ever made but it’s far from complete, it is far from defined and to be honest I hope it never really is. I hope that it is a lifelong journey that He and I continue to make for the rest of our days together.

There was so much truth in these words, so many things I recognized. These words contain some of the thoughts that I were in my mind too. It was then that I knew that I definitely will write about my thoughts and feelings. But oh, where to start! And then Molly helped out again with a link on her site. In the meantime I have seen the same subject on different other sites too. It’s called The 30 Days of Kink and the questions in it will surely help me in putting the thoughts and feelings I have on the road to perfect submission into perspective.

(written on 15.03.2011)

© Rebel’s Notes

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