My Husband reads my blog. Obviously. He likes to read my fantasies and me telling about the sex we had. But what He doesn’t want is to read about my feelings and thoughts in a blog. These are things I should tell Him and of course, that is only fair. And what I want too. However, once I have written it, it makes it easier to put my thoughts and feelings into words. So on the day I started writing these series (which I still don’t know up to what number it will run) He asked me if I was ready to put my thoughts into words.
I was. I wanted to tell Him how felt. I told Him. I told Him that at the moment we decided to go down this road, I was fully committed to it, but that the happiness I felt almost made me see it as a game. Or rather, I feel that I acted as if it was a game, even though I understood how serious it was. See, there I was, not able to bring it into words the way I wanted. But I managed to tell him. I want to submit to him. All these years I had to be strong. To be the one who makes the decisions. To be the bitch when needed. To fight for survival. To fight to be accepted for who I am. To go against feelings I had deep inside me. And now I can just let go. I can leave it in his hands. He decides. I follow. And it makes me happy. I was surprise to choke up with tears at that moment.
He said that he is leading me down the path to my perfect submission. That sometimes it will be with baby steps and sometimes a giant step will be set. We are equal in everything, he said, except for sex. Your body is mine. YOU are mine. I own you. I looked at him. I felt so much love for him at that very moment. This is what I want, I said. This feels so good. I never want to go back to our ‘old’ life again. He promised me that we will never go back, that this is not a decision we have made lightheartedly. That I should look at the tattoo on my leg and I will know how serious all of this is. I know, I said, I am yours and I want to be yours.
His next words surprised me enough that I at first just look at him and did not respond: I want you to come over here, kneel in front of me and say that to me here, while looking me in the eye. When I did not directly respond, he pointed to the spot in front of him and said: here, on your knees. I stood up, walked to him and kneeled, looking at him. I repeated my words: I am yours and I want to be yours. He asked me to repeat his words after him: I am yours. I want to be yours. I will obey you. You own me. It felt so special, like an oath. And then he promised that he would care for me and keep me safe always.
I love him so much. I feel it in the core of my being. It hurts, it’s indescribable.
(written on 18.03.2011)
© Rebel’s Notes