I try to keep posts on my blog as interesting as possible. I write about encounters between Master T and me, and about our encounters with others. In all sexual encounters there might be elements that are the same and there might be things that happened totally differently from the last time. Or my reactions might be different. Or the same.
I write about every play date. I start writing within 24 hours after a play date. It is my way of processing things that happened. No matter what happened, whether it was the same or different or whether my reaction to things were the same or different, I have to work through them. I have to allow my emotions and my thoughts to find their place in my memory. I spill my emotions, type about everything I have felt, everything I have heard, everything I have seen. I give – for as far as it is possible to remember – a chronological account of the events. I need to do this for myself. It is part of a bigger process.
For the first three play dates I wrote without any doubts. I just wrote and posted it on my blog. While writing about our fourth play date, I started getting this feeling of ‘same ol same ol’. Don’t get me wrong, every play date is incredibly special. Even though there are elements that are the same, my reaction to them might be different. Or it might be the same. The order of things might change, but it might be the same.The doubt I felt when I wrote about the fourth play date made it difficult to concentrate and difficult to work through the events. Something was off, but I did not know what. I wondered whether I should even write about it. Whether people still wanted to read it. The last thing I wanted was to bore my readers. I asked myself : do they really still want to know about the chronological events during every play date?
Even though I had these doubts, I continued to write about our fourth play date and posted it on my blog.
Then we had our fifth play date and as before, the day after I started writing about it. I felt the same doubts as the when I was writing about the fourth play date. But still I did not know how to change it and honestly, this time I did not even stop to take the time to think about it. Something did not feel right, but I chose to ignore it.
Until that night…
There were words that made me think. Other opinions I had to consider. I needed time to find a new equilibrium. A new direction. It was like having growing pains and not knowing in which direction I would grow. Oh, I had some ideas of what I wanted to do, how I wanted to do it, but pieces of the puzzle was still missing. I was emotional for days because I just did not know how to continue. At times I felt truly lost. Lost inside myself. No one could help me. This was something I had to go through. Something I had to do on my own. A process. Another kind of process.
It was only when I saw the light, when I knew what I would do, how I would continue, which approach I would take… it was only then that I found the peace inside me. The peace that allowed me to write again. The peace that replaced the tears and the feeling that I had lost something. The peace allowed me to understand that I have not lost anything. It showed me that I have grown, that it was time for the next step, the next level.
Some things are not worth losing and sometimes, just sometimes, when you want to keep those things you do not want to lose, you have to endure the growing pains. You have to consider more than only yourself. You have to listen to what is not said. You have to read what is not written. You have to understand without any words at all. I cannot carry on the same way I have up to now. It gets boring. It’s indeed becoming ‘same ol same ol’.
It’s time for a change…
© Rebel’s Notes
