D/s - Rebel's Notes

Your kink is not my kink

bdsm, D/s, sex toys, submission, submissive 1 Response »

Jun 202013

I was naked and watching Master T as He unpacked the bag He had brought with Him. The dreadful new clamps appeared. I winced, but managed to hide it well when He looked at me. When the speculum came out of the bag I moaned, which earned me a sharp look from Him. In my head I was screaming: “No, not the speculum. Not here. Please, no!”

“Something wrong?” Master T asked and I shook my head, but I could not help glancing at the speculum and back at Him. I hoped that my eyes would warn Him that I was not ready for this, but in my heart I knew that even if He saw my reluctance, He was the one who would decide whether it would happen or not. Seeing His eyes, seeing His determinations, I knew it was inevitable. The speculum would be used, whether I wanted it in this setting or not.

I felt incredibly self-conscious when Master T ordered me to lie down on the special table. I hooked my legs over the special leg rests and He tied them down. He pivoted the leg rest sideways, spreading my legs wider. My ass was on the edge of the table, my pussy exposed and ready. My pussy was ready, my mind was not. I felt vulnerable. Not calm.

The cold steel of the speculum slowly entered my pussy. He pushed it inside, pulled it out and pushed it inside again, a bit further than it was before. Once inside, Master T slowly opened it, checking with me whether I still feel comfortable. Once I felt the burning feeling where my muscles resisted too much against the intrusion, I held up my hand to motion for Him to stop. My other arm was covering my eyes. I did not want to see anything. I was like a child, thinking if I could not see the rest of the room, the rest of the room would not be able to see me either. I did not want to see or know who else would look deep inside me. I did not mind Master T seeing me opened up like this. I love knowing He can look so deep inside me, love knowing that He opens me up, that He can touch me deep inside and see exactly where He touches me. I love being this exposed for Him.

However, I was not ready yet to share this intimate kink with anyone else. Master T was. I had to be ready because He was. I felt shy. I wanted to hide. I could not hide my body, but I could hide my face. The arm over my eyes hid my embarrassment away from the others. I was aware of nothing else but my own embarrassment, my own feeling of wanting to hide. Yet, there was something else. I wanted to hide, but I wanted to please Master T too.

My pussy completely opened up, I felt His finger on my clitoris. He was standing next to me, trying to see my face. There was a battle raging on in my mind. I tried to find the peace, to give my body and my mind to Him, to just submit to Him, His mind and His hand, but it was difficult. All the time I asked myself: what will they think? Will they think we are weird? Should I mind if they do? What if they don’t like what we are doing? Would they distance themselves from us? So many negative thoughts consumed my brain. I hardly felt the sensations Master T was stirring in my clitoris. My thoughts were overpowering everything.

Opened by the speculum

I made a huge effort to push the negative thoughts away. I told myself that we cannot all be the same. Being kinky does not mean we all like the same things. There might even be more differences between people than similarities. I had to tell myself that they would not distance themselves from us just because we might have a kink they don’t share. I knew that what I as thinking was stupid, irrational. I knew it came from my fear of being rejected. It was only when I told myself that this was our kink and it does not have to be someone else’s, that we are in a place where we respect others for who they are and they respect us for who we are, that I could relax and allow my body to work towards an orgasm.

© Rebel’s Notes

BDSM: Our beginning

bdsm, D/s, domination, meme, submission, submissive, Wicked Wednesday 7 Responses »

Jun 192013

At the end of January 2011 we made the commitment to our D/s relationship. But that was not our beginning. Allow me to take you with me on a trip down memory lane.

We knew about each other’s existence for about four years before we really started talking online in April 2002. When I met Master T in real life in June 2002, we were already very much in love with each other, but neither of us were ready to start a new relationship. As we got to know each other – mainly through the old chat program ICQ and emails – we spoke about many things. Fairly early in our communications I told Master T that I had quite a lot of nude photos of myself, many of them made by several men in my life and about the same amount of them were self shots. Of course He wanted to see some of those and I did not mind sharing it with Him.

So many nights I found myself in the bathroom, in a corner of the shower, talking to Him on the phone in the wee hours of the morning and hoping that the kids won’t hear me. We met a couple of times in secluded places and no, we did not only talk when we were together, but having sex was a challenge. It was only in May 2003 that we were ready to make a commitment towards each other. That was when I started staying over, but without His side of the family knowing. It was easier for me to come to Him, so I frequently arrived late in the evening, stayed the night and then left just before daybreak, before anyone else was awake. In October 2003 we changed that. During the week I would be at my place and in weekends I was over here. We could not get enough of each other and it was during those weekends that we discovered that we both liked to ad a bit of kink to our sex life.

In hindsight, I can now see the elements of dominance that have been present from the very beginning. During our chats on ICQ or in our emails – that is long before I started staying the night – we also spoke about piercings and tattoos. At the time I had two small tattoos, which by then Master T had seen on photos. I also told Him that I once had a navel piercing and two nipple piercings, but that those were long gone. Master T said that He would love to have me pierced and tattooed. I did not mind the tattooing, as long as I had a say in where the tattoo would be placed. To the piercings I said: ‘never again’. Famous last words? Yep, indeed!

In our communications He also told me about the things He would want me to do, such as being on my knees, sucking Him while He watched me, or fucking me with various fruits or vegetables. Once I started staying over for weekends, we started experimenting with various things. Oh, we did not have all the things back then that we have now, but we gradually acquired some stuff. Some of those things, such as the blindfold and some cuffs, we still have and use. We stopped using the blindfold recently, after I blogged about it and said I would love to have a proper blindfold and not one that comes with the average vanilla ‘play’ package. And of course, over the years we bought more stuff, the majority of it after we have made the commitment to our D/s relationship.

Tying me up, using clamps, putting a collar around my neck, anal play, cuffs… all of those were done over the years and each time it happened, it felt good. One night – maybe even on two occasions if I remember correctly – Master T poured wax over me while I was kneeling in the kitchen. I cannot begin to describe how I felt about that. Scared and excited at the same time. Our sex was always hot, exciting, kinky, hard. Oh yes, of course we also had more relaxed sex, but we always tended to end up returning to the harder sex. Oh damn, I remember me laying on the dining room table while He sucked me or finger-fucked me. We have lots of photos where I lay on the couch, masturbating and Him watching me. Master T also has all the photos that others had made of me in the past. He loves looking at them, loves seeing what others have done to me. He has never been jealous of it. In fact, He always told me that He would love to see another man or woman fucking me while He watched and He frequently tells me that He wishes that there were more of those photos. He loves to see how I am used.

Both of us have been oblivious of the existence of D/s, M/s, Daddy/girl, Owner/pet and all these kind of relationships. In the year or two before we learned about it, Master T frequently told me that He had noticed that I wanted Him to be stricter. To hurt me at times. I wanted the clamps. I wanted the rope. I wanted my collar. I wanted Him to control me. But we accepted this as being part of our marriage, not knowing anything about the different kinds of relationships inside BDSM. We, in fact, had a BDSM relationship without the official commitment. It was only when I started reading the blogs of VanillaMom and then that of Mina Lamieux that I realized that there was a name for the relationships we were in. Many puzzle pieces suddenly fell into place. I needed His control. To name an example: we bought a silicon buttplug not long after I started staying over for weekends and maybe a year before we made the commitment to a D/s relationship, we bought the steel buttplug. I really wanted both of those, but whenever I put them in, I felt silly and after half an hour I would take it out without telling Master T about wearing it. Only on a handful of occasions did I dare to tell Him and those always lead to hot and kinky sex. This was but one small aspect of our relationship where I needed Him to take control, to tell me what to do. But there were many other aspects, which have become even clearer once we embarked on our D/s journey at the end of January 2011.

Looking through the 6000 – 6500 photos that we have (also counting those from before our relationship) I selected a small amount of photos that portray the BDSM elements that have been part of our relationship from the very beginning. There are a lot more photos of these kind, but all of those show my face and those I am not ready to share.

Enjoy the visual part of my trip down memory lane.
(click to view and browse the photos)

There is a gap of about 5 years in the photos. Photos that were made in those time show my face, and some longer periods passed without any photos as we were busy with getting married, family stuff and general life. The last two photos were made a month before we officially committed to a D/s relationship.

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #memory
Click the button to see who else is playing or to link your own post.

Older Entries

Follow Rebel's Notes