Fucking Tears

tears

It’s been weeks. Months. One, two, three? I can’t remember. All I know, it’s been long ago that he touched me in any kind of sexual way. Each time in the last year and a half that he did indeed touch me – I think I can count those times on one hand – I had hoped that we were on the road to recovery.

Each time I was wrong.

I stopped talking about it. Stopped making remarks. My orgasms are my own again. I don’t want them to be. I want them to still belong to him. For him to decide when I have them. But sex is the last thing he wants to talk about. He might think about it, but we never talk about it. I don’t want to push him, don’t want to constantly ‘moan’, because I know if he could, he would fuck me every day. Pain consumes his energy. During the day he literally suffers in silence, at night I lie awake, feel him move and hear him moan. Moan in pain. What he doesn’t tell me during the day, I hear at night: the intense pain he constantly endures.

I expect nothing of him. He loves me. That’s enough. For now.

But, I would lie if I say that I don’t miss sex.

I do.

Then, it happened.

Last night.

I should have known from his remarks that something was about to happen. It was already 1am when we went to bed, both tired and sleepy. I lay half under, half above the covers.

“Someone might just grab those tits,” he said with a smile.
I joked back by quickly pulling the covers up to my chin and telling him I will protect my boobies at all cost. He came to bed and what followed was strange. As if we had to get to know each other again. He told me to do the one thing I was made for: to suck his cock. I did, but it was strange. Whether it was the remainder of the anti-depressants in his body, the fact that we were tired or the whisky he had, but he couldn’t stay hard. He told me to get on top of him, but after trying for some time, I gave it up, and so did he.

Bless him for never making a huge thing of it when he can’t stay hard. Hate myself for the dark thoughts in my mind, for thinking I am not sexy enough anymore to keep him hard. Believe me, I pushed those thoughts away hard. Harder even when he told me to get on my back and spread my legs. But they remained somewhere in my mind, causing him to work very hard to draw my first orgasm from me.

I fought my dark thoughts; concentrated on his fingers. Concentrated on what he did to me. Two more meager orgasms followed before I could relax enough to only think about what was happening, and not about how long I would have to wait before something like this happened again. How I hate my mind at times.

I squirted and while my cunt made sopping sounds with Master T pushing all his fingers inside me, I moved my hand to my clitoris. My orgasm was huge, and good, and fulfilling and of course, even though I could barely handle more touching, he wanted me to come once more.

For him.

I did.

A couple of minutes after my orgasm my hand went to his cock. It was soft. I stroke him, but only minutes later he told me that this was about me, not about him. I couldn’t tell him how much I want him to fuck me. All my dark thoughts flooded back into my mind. Was this what our sex life will be like from now on? Once every three, four months and then only fingering and no fucking?

I couldn’t stop the tears anymore. He held me; didn’t ask why I cried. I was thankful for this. I couldn’t tell him I couldn’t hope anymore.

This morning when we woke up he had a glint in his eye and when I walked past him to go to the bathroom, he held me back. Hugged me. Cupped my breast. Was there a promise there? A promise maybe for tonight? Or was this just a way to tell me things will be okay, eventually?

I want to hope, but I don’t know how anymore.

Time will tell… we have our love, and that will always pull us through.

No. Matter. What.

Written on Sunday 15.07.2018

© Rebel’s Notes

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13 thoughts on “Fucking Tears

  1. O how honest you have been and how raw your pain. I truly hope this is the beginning of a turn in the road for Master T because I know this is putting such a strain on your beautiful relationship. I know the mind plays horrible tricks on us, doubles back on the logic to make us doubt and mistrust , but surely you have to know that you are enough for Master T – your cute body and beautiful soul have him captivated. Stay strong Rebel, better times are coming I feel it.

  2. I’ve come back to this post a few times now, as I keep thinking of things I want to say after I’ve clicked away…

    But then, each time I come back again, I read your words and feel your pain through them, and think, “No. There’s nothing I need to say.”

    Because I understand this.
    And I understand that I can’t fix it.
    And that sometimes words don’t matter.

    So this is me, just being present, and ‘getting it’.

    xoxo

  3. I admire your poignant honesty. I really can’t imagine what you both must be going through, but the hopeful romantic in me will be keeping my fingers crossed that everything does work out. All the best!

  4. You can have ALL of my hugs. (((HUGS)))

    Your love *will* pull you through, but I can imagine how difficult it must be, wanting something, hoping for it, and then being without. My fingers are crossed that this was a sign of new days ahead. Until then, ((((HUGS))))

  5. I wish hugs were enough to restore things for you, but I know it isn’t. I’m glad you can share it though instead of bottling it up and letting it eat away at you. I’m also glad you have these moments even if they are less often than you’d like.

  6. Your resilience throughout this time has amazed me. As I said before I think you are a very strong woman and I admire that about you a great deal

    Mollyx

  7. Thank you for posting this – for your raw honesty.

    I live with chronic pain, and sex is sometimes physically difficult for me. Penetrative sex would be all but impossible without the magic of Little Blue Pills.

    I feel for both of you and, as ever, wish you both well.

  8. Oh my. What an incredibly emotive post – my heart goes out to you. I think Mister T was happy in the morning because he wanted to give you pleasure last night and he did.
    My man has Lyme disease and sometimes because of this a lot of pain. I have been in the same situation where I have played with his cock, sucked it or felt it after he has been touching me and it is flaccid or semi. At the time deep down I feel it must be the pain but a little bit of me worries it is me – it is natural, My pleasure is giving him pleasure. When you love someone that’s the way it is. So i do understand a little -x

  9. Oh Rebel, firstly I want to say how much I admire your honesty and your openness in writing something so painful and so personal to you. Your love for him, as your husband and your Master is clear and I think that your ‘dark thoughts’ are a natural response to what is a cruel situation. Clearly you both want things to be different and the way you write shows that you see this as something happening to you as a couple, rather than to you as individuals. I really hope that he is able to find some help in managing the physical pain that he is in so that you can both heal from the experience. It must be so devastating for you both, not to be able to explore each other in the way that is natural for you. Sending lots of hugs and well wishes your way, missy xx

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