Me Now, Me Then

young and old

It’s been a few weeks since I took part in this meme, all because of just being too busy and too chaotic. I’m normally very organized, but I just feel as if I’m not at this moment. It’s probably because things have been too busy at my work since I returned after our vacation time.

This makes me realize that I am getting older and it seems I am getting more fixed in my ways than I thought I was. I am not as flexible as I was before. Ha! That’s meant for the physical side too, not only the mental side. This week’s Food for Thought questions are all about comparing your 18-year-old self with who you are today.

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Oh I think there are several parts that would make my 18 year old me;s jaw drop. Back when I was 18 I had just about realized that I like girls as much as I do boys, but it took me many years more before I had sex with a woman for the first time. When I was 18, I was ashamed of the bisexual feelings I had. Having sex with others while I am married is something 18 year old me never even thought of. Had I known back then that people did things like this, I would have been filled with disgust. The same for being in a D/s relationship. Being hurt because you want it and like it, being dominated, well, that is something 18-year-old Marie never thought of, despite the fact that I always allowed the men in my life to be the ‘boss’, but I thought it was because that’s how it should be. That’s how I was raised.

I was raised in a conservative community by conservative parents. Both of them had affairs outside the marriage but it was something that lasted only for very short and then it was over again. It was never spoken about. There was shame because they did it. I don’t think my parents would ever have thought about opening up their relationship in any kind of way, because that was just not done. However, it could have saved their marriage, coming to think of it. That was the image I was raised with, to be ashamed of things you do that are not ‘right’. But who decides what is right for you or not?

What one thing might shock that younger you?

All of the above, I’m sure. But also the fact that I actively flirt with other men, especially Mister Silent, and that I can’t wait to have a date with him again. Even more shocking to 18-year-old Marie would be the fact that my husband knows about this and approves.

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I was never really one for fantasies. Those only came much later in life. Back when I was 18, I had a child of 2, studied at the university and I met my first husband. Two years later I was married and a year after that pregnant with my second child. I guess life just happened back then and I never really thought about things I would want. As said, those came only later and I think my most active ‘fantasizing years’ have been the past ten.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

If I keep to the age of 18 and think of my sex life back then, I think it will be the excitement of doing it with a new boyfriend, of being taken to his home and sleeping in the same bed as him with the approval of his mother. My parents would never have approved, so it never happened, even though I had a child. Other than the excitement I have mentioned, there is nothing of that time I look back on with nostalgia. As said earlier, things were what they were back then. Life carried on from one day to the other and I barely questioned things. I just let them happen. I only became aware of my own wants and needs when I was much older.

Which brings me back to the present day. Yesterday I wrote that I seem to be getting more in touch with my body. I want to take it slow, and I hope in the next weeks Master T will join in with the rediscovering of my body!

© Rebel’s Notes

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3 thoughts on “Me Now, Me Then

  1. It’s funny, and also a bit sad, when you compare how much we thought we knew (pretty much everything) back at that age, and how much we really knew (almost nothing) about the world and, indeed, ourselves.

  2. They say we typically grow more conservative as we age, but I think you’ve loosened up. I think of my 18 year old self and realize how repressed I was and how I too would be shocked at what I do now. The freedom is good for us I think

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