As I have mentioned here before, Master T is not well. It all started with his leg in September 2016 and progressed to a point where in December 2016 he started having panic attacks and hyperventilated almost 24 hours a day. He couldn’t go to his work anymore as driving became to dangerous, but thankfully he could and is still working from home.
His health and him not getting better also had an influence on our intimate life. My mom not being well and me being busy getting mom to appointments and worried sick about mom didn’t help either. Things first slowed down but then came to a grinding halt. Hugs and kisses were as far as we went. Neither of us had a sex drive, or rather, we had a sex drive but we were both too tired or in emotional (me) and physical (Master T) pain to act on the drive that was left.
It was only a week or two, maybe three, after mom’s funeral that I had the urge to masturbate again. Actually, I just wanted to have an orgasm as quickly as possible. My Womanizer helped with it. I knew I was actually supposed to ask Master T for an orgasm, but I didn’t want to bother him with it. Pain consumed him and sex was not on his mind. I didn’t want to make him feel bad about not having sex with me.
After that first time I told myself that I would tell him I did it, that I had masturbated and climaxed, but I never did. I ended up doing it again and again and again. I think it was about six weeks after mom passed away and about two weeks after Master T had been to see the GP and his anti-depressants were halved, that he brought me to several intense orgasms. It happened twice since and in between I still used my Womanizer about once a week.
It was only about a month ago that Master T and I had a conversation about our sex life not being what it was last year, about the fact that it will take some time before we have dates again and about orgasms. I can’t remember just how the conversation went, but I ended up telling him about my solo sessions.
“Nothing wrong with that,” he said and added: “I don’t mind watching either.”
“It mostly happens when you are still downstairs.”
In the past months, there were many nights where I could hardly keep my eyes open and went to bed before Master T. This barely never happened before, but I seem to need more sleep than him at the moment.
“Nothing wrong with that either,” he said.
“It means I am not asking permission for orgasms.”
“You will again… eventually.”
With that the conversation was done. He more or less gave me permission for orgasms, for masturbating without asking him before I do so. He didn’t say it explicitly, but he surely implied it. I am grabbing this with both hands – almost literally – but that doesn’t mean that I masturbate every evening. Sometimes not even every week. I do it whenever I feel the urge, and it never takes long. I have found a way that works for me, that relieves the tension in my body and satisfies me.
Just as a side-note: this doesn’t mean our D/s is gone. It just means that life has taken us on different routes for now. Other things are more important. I still sleep with my night collar and still submit to Master T. It’s just not as obvious between us as this moment as it has been before, but it’s still there.
While I wait for Master T to heal and to get his sex drive back, I will just enjoy the fact that I have carte blanche for orgasms… sort of.
© Rebel’s Notes
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This post was chosen as one of three for the roundup of Masturbation Monday week 168. This is what John Brownstone said about it:
Oh how I loved this. Life happens. It swirls all around us and even in a D/s relationship things can change at the drop of a hat. Yet through it all we find a way to make it work. Reading how other in the D/s lifestyle negotiate how their orgasms are controlled, as Marie Rebelle does in Permission, is like being a fly on the wall. It goes to show that being in the lifestyle isn’t always the fun fantasy but real people with real concerns and lives.