The first time I got married in 1987, I married for love. Or so I thought. I was eighteen when I met him, twenty when I married him and twenty-two when I divorced him. I really believed that I loved him and that he loved me, but eventually I realized that he manipulated me. He told me that I should be happy that he married me, as no one else would have wanted me. I believed him. He was the most important in our relationship – what he wanted, he got. I accepted all of this, until I realized that he fucked around with students. We have a sick three-month old son and I had to get him from a pub where he hung out with the students to take us to the hospital. When he hit my daughter without reason, it was the final straw. I left him. I never regretted it and I never missed him.
I got married for the second time in 1998. I was fond of him, but I cannot remember that I felt love for him the way I felt ‘love’ for my first husband. At first we were going to get married in December 1998, but because of some bureaucracy issues, we advanced the date to August 1998. I vividly remember that 6 months into the marriage I was cleaning the house and I thought ‘I should never have married him’. I pushed the thought away, as I was ashamed that I have made a mistake again. I kept my unhappiness hidden for almost 3 years before I admitted it to my mom. We separated in December 2001 and were divorced in July 2002.
I emailed with Master T from April 2002 and met him in June 2002. By then we were deeply in love, but he wanted me to live my own life before entering a relationship again. I did. It was May 2003 before we were both ready to enter a relationship. In September 2003 we came out to his family that we were a couple and in December 2003 we celebrated the holidays together. In August 2004 I moved in with him and on 1 November 2005 we got married.
Yes, today is our twelfth wedding anniversary.
Our base is love and respect and communication. For the first time in my life I have learned what love is. Not love for a parent or love for a child, but love for someone you choose to share your life with, your innermost secrets. I can easily say that I am still in love with him today as I was back when we met. He really is my soulmate and there is no one that knows as much of me as he does. Yes, my best friend knows almost everything, almost. Master T knows everything. We support each other in good and bad times. When I had a burnout and when I hurt my ankle so much that I couldn’t walk, he supported me. He allowed me to cry, to be quiet, to stare into space, to talk, to heal. He pushed a wheelchair, even though he is the disabled one. He took care of me when I lay in bed with fever because of a throat infection. He cares for me, supports me, challenges me, loves me.
In turn, not because I have to, but because I want to, I support him in everything. He is not well at this moment and I will do everything to get him to be better again, to be able to do everything he could up to a year ago. But, if that is not possible, if his health never gets to that point again, I will still be here for and with him. We will find a new balance together, build our life around the possibilities that remain. We are such a strong team that I have no doubt we will get through this – whether he will be able to walk properly again or whether he (partially) ends up in a wheelchair – we will make it work. Our love is so strong; our base so solid.
Just this week I spoke to a colleague about Master T and she said: “Why don’t you arrange a taxi that can drive him to his appointments?”
I told her: “This is not the way we are married. We arrange his appointments on my off day and I take him where he wants to be. That’s just the way we treat each other and even though it’s hard at times, I do it with love. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
I love him unconditionally and will do everything for him the way I know he will do everything for me. It was only with Master T that I learned the true meaning of what love is.
Master T, I love you to bits! And I know exactly how the conversation will go if I tell you this.
Me: I love you.
Master T: I love you too.
Me: I love you three.
Master T: Yes, you do.
And yes, I do!
© Rebel’s Notes
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