Allow me to talk about aspects of our relationship, the fascination I have for Histoire d’O and the similarities between the two. I frequently call the movie my ‘training video’. Each time I see it, I discover more aspects of my submissive self.
Continued from… The Story of O (5) – To Be Used
why charm and terror
were so mixed,
why terror was so sweet.
I love this quote from Histoire d’O.
Taking our first steps into BDSM, knowing some of the things I really wanted (and Master T too) would hurt, knowing I would be challenging many of my boundaries, was scary but so damn inviting. Charm and terror mixed, for sure.
Before we started our ‘official’ D/s relationship, Master T had sometimes used clamps on my nipples or pinched me. If I said it hurt too much, he stopped the pinching or took the clamps off. However, once we had made our commitment, things changed. There was a change in the dynamic. When I moaned or said it hurt, the clamps didn’t come off or the pinching didn’t stop. Master T was in control and he made the decisions. At first it was strange to lose control, scary even, but eventually it was liberating. In me something changed too. I anticipated and sometimes dreaded the pain when I saw Master T getting the clamps out but at the same time I longed for the pain, needed to give him control. Charm and terror.
Looking at O in the screenshots from the movie, my deepest desire is to be able to sleep like she had to – chained for the night. We have talked about it several times, but still haven’t taken the step to do it and this might be something we never do. The main reason for this is that you never know what happens during the night. What if Master T needs help during the night and I cannot free myself from the bed? Yes, I know, we can put the key to the cuffs in a place where I can get to it too, but that’s not the same as being chained and knowing I am at the mercy of Master T. There’s charm in the thought of this, but too much terror in actually doing it.
For a very long time, I had not been confident in my own body. I hated the stretch marks, the scar on my tummy and I just thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone. This didn’t keep me away from men, but made me throw myself at them too easily, hoping giving them sex would make them accept me. It stopped when I met Master T. Then he started talking about wanting to see me with others. It was a nice fantasy which many times was the beginning of extra hot sex between us, but it wasn’t something that I ever saw myself doing. I guess the rest is history, because gradually I grew to a point where we had dates with others and we still do that. I have learned to accept my body for what it is, but I am still unsure when we meet someone for the first time. Having Master T with me makes it easier, but I’m always nervous. Charm and terror.
Charm and terror really are mixed, but damn, terror is so charming that one just have to go for it, right?
To be continued… The Story of O (7) – Obey
© Rebel’s Notes
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