Follow Your Heart

follow your heart

If you have been reading my words for quite some time, you know by now I have only found true love when I met Master T. Being able to be myself, being accepted and loved for who I am… with him I am on the most amazing journey of my life.

But, he was not the first one I have been in a relationship with where I thought it would be with the man for the rest of my life.

The first time was when I was fifteen. I met a young man two years older than I was and we fell in love. Even before I turned sixteen I made plans to be with him for the rest of my life. I failed a test at school – the first time ever – and was so shocked and ashamed of it that I couldn’t tell my parents. Only one thing remained: I had to leave school because I couldn’t handle the shame of failing. I told him I wanted to marry him and that we will be happy ever after. I really was in love with him then. I fell pregnant and only when the doctor told me I was pregnant, I realized what I had done. My love for him was suddenly over. I didn’t see myself as his wife; didn’t see myself righting a wrong with a wrong. Raising a kid by myself was not an easy thing, but the right thing to do.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

My firstborn was three when I married for the first time. He was also two years older than I was and a soldier. Up to today uniforms have that effect on me: they melt my knees. We were happy together and building our life. He was still studying and one day I started suspecting that he had girlfriends. This was because of the way a female student reacted when she saw him in town, but not me. Apparently she didn’t even know he and I belonged together. We had been together two years when we got married, and two years later we divorced. By then I had two kids and as life wanted it, I now had two kids to raise by myself. Harder still, but still the right thing to do.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

The next relationship I thought might be a long term relationship was with a man four years younger than I was. He was mature for his age and seemed to love my kids, but what I didn’t know was that he had this desire to have his own kids. Nine months into our relationship I accidentally found out that he cheated on me with an older woman. I was sad and hurt and jumped into a relationship with a very wrong man, of which I will briefly tell you next. Many years later I tracked this younger man down via social media (where we are still occasionally in contact) and I learned that he got married to that older woman and they had one child. The child was born blind and went to a special school in the south of the country (the best there is) but his wife kept him from their child. By then they were divorced and she had made the most terrible allegations against him. He left the country and the only thing that soothed him about the situation was that she’s a good mother. He’s finally in a relationship again, but the sadness he had gone through, has marked him for life.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

The married man I fell for had totally swept me off my feet. He courted me and ‘used’ my bisexuality to get me to sleep with his wife. He made me do a lot of other things too – things I am not proud of – all in the name of love. He abused me mentally, in the name of love. He abused me physically, also in the name of love. He weakened me, making me believe I am worth nothing without him. Until one day, when I thought he would kill me. Something snapped in me… and that was the end. Not really, because it took years for the damage he had done to be repaired, for me to truly believe in myself again.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

The next time I got married I thought I did it for all the right reasons. He was twelve years my senior and during the eighteen months we dated he was really sweet and loving. Six months into our marriage I knew I made a mistake, but I wasn’t going to admit that to anyone. I was ashamed and decided I just had to make the best of a bad thing. Our nice times got less and less and our fights more and more, but still I was determined to make the marriage last, even though by then I was chatting with many men online and secretly taking photos to post online. I even once cheated on him, when I visited another country. Even though my love for him was over, I was not going to admit to anyone that my marriage was yet again a failure. Then, in a fight, he hinted on divorce. That was the day I stopped fighting. Leaving him ended a lot of stress in my life.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

I swore to never ever change myself for any man, ever again, no matter how much I liked him. I set out on having fun, and boy, did I have some fun. My heart didn’t get involved, but my body sure did, with The Traveler, the lunch time guy, the taxi driver, the guy in the steam cabin, the guy who visited from halfway around the world, the colleague and some others too. I have mentioned all of them in a post about the number of sex partners I had and I might just have to update that post. Point is, I had fun and sex with many and if someone wanted to claim me, I sent the on their way. To me it was all about the fun and not about losing my heart.

Then I met Master T. He wanted me and I wanted him. We fell in love within the first week we were in contact. He never claimed me. He set me free. He listened to all my stories about my encounters and wanted to know more. I was free, yet I was so connected to him. Our story has been told many times over. We are as in love today as we were almost fifteen years ago when we met. I’ve had sex partners after our marriage, all of which Master T had approved of and there will be more sex partners in the future, because he wants it too. I am his and I am free. He has accepted me for who I am, loves me for who I am and has never tried to change me, I have never been as happy before as I have been in almost fifteen years since we met, the eleven plus years we are married and the six years of our D/s relationship.
“That’s what happens when you follow your heart…”

Following your heart doesn’t always mean happiness. Following your heart means you live your life, you learn more about yourself, you learn about life and you learn about love. Live, learn and love by following your heart!

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© Rebel’s Notes

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7 thoughts on “Follow Your Heart

  1. the heart is a vile and wonderful thing all at the same time. We can soar in the heights or plummet into the depths of hell, all because of the heart. I can understand a lot of what you have shared here, except the raising the kids part of course.

  2. Jo says:

    I loved this. I also had a high school sweetheart who I truly thought I would marry; funny how when you’re in that situation, the future seems so certain – until one single moment when it doesn’t, and you know it’s time to make a change. I love your theme; following our hearts doesn’t necessarily make us happy, but it does make our experiences more authentic. So glad you are with a partner who loves you for all of the wonderful qualities you possess!

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