LCHF #15: Fighting Demons

Weight on 4 December 2016

Continued from LCHF #14: Three Weeks

Apparently my body is really taking its time to adjust to my new weight, because losing weight is going incredibly slow. Since my last post on 15 November I have only lost half a kilogram, which really is not much. I hoped to have lost 15 kilograms by Christmas, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anymore. In a way it’s really frustrating that I’m not losing weight at this moment, and on the other hand it’s okay, as I know my body has to adjust.

Weight on 4 December 2016But…

I find myself saying those words, that it’s okay, but at the same time I have moments when it’s not okay.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my naked self in the mirror and see my stomach. Or I sit somewhere and glance down and see my belly. Or, I lie in bed and see it. Those are the moments that the old demons come to visit again. They invade my head and repeat those words they have done for so long: you are fat. Just look at your belly. You are ugly. Damn, you should lose some weight!

In those moments I have to remind myself of what I have achieved in a short period of time. I have lost quite some weight and have lost even more centimeters. There are dresses in my closet that I couldn’t wear for years. Now I can. I can wear stockings again. I love the look of my thighs – they look good. My legs look good. I love the feeling of my breasts, even though they have gotten smaller.

And still those demon voices talk to me and try to convince me that I have not done well. That I am still too far from my goal. That I am not really doing my best. That I am doing something wrong.

I wish there was a way to shut those demons up for good. This is not the first time they have decided to visit without invitation. The damn things are never invited. They just invite themselves and invade every sane space in my brain. They have visited me when I weighed almost 100 kilograms. They have visited me when I met Master T and I weighed 10 kilograms less than I weigh now. They have visited me when I was too thin, telling me I’m not good enough.

Why oh why do they know to find me over and over again and make me feel insecure. Why do I even listen to them? Why can’t I shut them up?

I want them out.

I want them out because I know I am doing well. I know I have reached a lot in a short time, living my life the way I do. I know I am desirable, so why can’t I just believe it?

I guess I will just have to work harder to get those demons to leave my mind and start believing in myself again.

It’s not easy…

To be continued: LCHF #16: Six Months

© Rebel’s Notes