On a morning in November I sat in front of the mirror, allowing the morning light to wash over my naked body. I looked at my reflection and thought: your boobies are small. At the moment this thought crossed my mind, many others came flooding in. One of those were that I want to share this for Jane’s Little Doves project.
Just days before this morning in front of the mirror I have placed a post about the fact that I have gained weight and the reasons why. One of the effects of gaining weight is that my breast are larger than they ever were, but they are still small. You see, that is what I realized when I sat there looking at my reflection. Even though I have gained weight, it didn’t mean that I have big breasts. In relation to the rest of my body, my breasts are still small. I sort of snorted when this thought struck me and whispered to myself: did you really think that gaining weight will make breasts larger? It reminded me of my struggle to find a new bra. Actually, it reminded me of many struggles to find bras in different periods of my life.
Back when I was a teenager, I barely had any breasts. I was a gymnast and did wear bras but I could just as well have gone without them as I had to have a AA cup. That wasn’t always easy to find and definitely not the prettiest bras around. I frequently looked longingly at bras for bigger cup sizes. The beautiful lace and frills and cups were much nicer than the simple and practical 70AA bras I could wear. I remember as a teenager I was ashamed of saying it, but not anymore: in the AA cups there were even some room left, as my breasts couldn’t fill them completely.
Many women’s breasts change with pregnancy, but with my first pregnancy they stayed exactly the same. I swear, they were still almost flat and by the time my daughter was born, I couldn’t breastfeed her because I had no milk. Zero. Granted, I was only 16, but still you would’ve thought that my body would adjust for me to feed my child. It didn’t. With my second pregnancy it was different. My boobs got bigger and damn, I was SO proud of them! I breastfed for only two days and then slowly my breast started getting smaller again. Not as small as they were, but still small as I could no barely fill an A-cup. But, I was happy. I have progressed from AA to A!
Some year later, due to hormonal problems, I gained quite a lot of weight which helped me into a B-cup. There was no time to be happy about this, as I was too focused on losing weight. I got back to a A-cup, almost back to a AA-cup as I was severely underweight at one stage. I slowly gained weight again, and a bit more, and a bit more, and a bit more and then finally my body seemed to settle down. I was too big for a A-cup and almost too small for a B-cup, but wearing a push up bra with a B-cup did the trick. I finally had a lovely cleavage and was incredibly proud of it. By now I wore a 85B.
Then I gained weight again…
About two months ago I knew I would have to get a new bra. My bras were hurting me and I had red lines under my breasts when I took them off. I went to the store where I always buy my bras and I kid you not, even though the lady really did her best to help me, I went back FOUR times to exchange the bra that I had bought for a different one. You see, I was measured and it was decided that I had to ‘upgrade’ to a 90B. I wanted a push up bra again, but the friendly lady told me that a 90B bra doesn’t come in the push up version. Needless to say, my breasts looked like shit in the new bras. So I went back to exchange it, got a new one, went back, new one, went back… and settled for the fifth one she suggested because there simply was nothing else I could try. I tried. I really, really tried to wear the new bra, but I quit. I now wear a very old 85B push up bra that is still a bit comfortable and hope that soon I can wear my favorite push up bra again, when I have lost some weight.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my breasts were just one cup size bigger, but then again, I remind myself that I really like the pleasure my breasts and my nipples have brought me up to now, and that I don’t really mind that they are small. I’m actually quite happy with these small wonders of mine…
© Rebel’s Notes
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