This week I didn’t just want to post images. I wanted to add some words to it. I needed to add some words to it.
When searching for an image to post for Sinful Sunday, my eye fell on this series, where I was once again wearing a lovely green thingy I bought at Victoria’s Secret on my one and only trip to New York, some years ago. I looked at myself in these images and ‘I look thoughtful’ is what came to mind.
(click images to enlarge & browse)
What was I thinking of when I sat there, when Master T took the photos?
I have no idea.
What might I have been thinking about?
Probably the same that I thought about when I looked at the images and decided to post them for Sinful Sunday…
In the last couple of years I have learned to accept myself the way I am. Master T has been a big help in this, but the sex-blogging community too. I generally have a positive image of myself, but recently I have been having more bad days, where I resent the way I look. No, resent is not the right word. I should say: ‘where I wish I looked a bit different’.
How do I want to look different?
I want to be at least 10 kilograms lighter than I am now. A year ago I was. Yes, I gained 10 kilograms in a year. Ten years ago I was overweight. Now even more so.
How did it happen?
Food. Of course.
See, I admit it. Food. But not food in the way you would think. It’s not that I eat too much or eat unhealthy. Yes, I occasionally indulge in chocolate or chips or cookies, but that really is not the rule of my life. I generally eat healthy – three times a day and almost no snacks in between. You would say that I would then have had to be able to at least maintain the weight I was a year ago.
Yes, I agree.
So why couldn’t I?
Because I couldn’t. It just happened to me. About three to four years ago I started having problems with my stomach. I thought. After some time I decided to go to the doctor and finally, after I had the one test after the other, the diagnosis was set: fructose intolerance. Fructose comes in fruit, but stopping eating fruit didn’t solve my stomach problems. I still suffered from nausea, stomach cramps, bloating and sometimes days in which I just felt… YUCK! Long story short: I started experimenting with food. Cut out this, eat that. Add that to the ‘diet’, remove that. About six months ago I discovered a high fat, low carbs diet. I changed my breakfast and lunch to this diet and what do you know, suddenly my problems were over. Done with. Yay! I was so happy. Finally I found the solution.
And then I noticed that I am steadily gaining weight. I probably had been ever since I started experimenting with food. It took me two months to decide I was going back to the dietitian. That was a week ago. I am now cutting out my carbs in the evenings too, which should be the solution. She explained about ketosis and some other things and everything made sense. Hopefully I will be able to stop the weight gain, still feel healthy and be able to cut out all the bad-thinking-days too!
That’s what this last photo symbolizes: I am who I am, whether there’s more of me or less. There’s some hard work ahead, but I can do it.
I will do it.
© Rebel’s Notes
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