“my husband forced bdsm on me painfully”

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I could have chosen any of the other search terms in the image or those I have posted for the Sexy Searching prompt, but once I read this search term, I knew this would be the one I would us:

“my husband forced bdsm on me painfully”

 

No! This was the first that came to mind: no, no, NO!

BDSM is not to be forced on someone else. Not ever! Just the fact that someone entered this search term into Google made me shiver. Then I’m not even talking about the word that makes it even worse: painfully.
How can anyone force BDSM on another. That is just so wrong!

Okay, allow me to spill the million thoughts that fight for attention inside my brain.

I see this couple in front of me. They have a nice life together, are happy and the sex is okay. Everything is just average. Nothing to be worry about, just an average couple. Like many other men he watches porn and comes across videos with BDSM scenes. This excites him. He doesn’t question himself for the reasons it excites him. All he knows is that he wants it too. Without any knowledge at all and no discussion with his wife, he ties his wife to the bed, give her a whipping and even though she’s crying uncontrollably he fucks her hard. He’s satisfied, gets into bed and turn over to sleep while his wife lies next to him, shocked to the core and wondering what she did wrong. She gets out of bed, switches on the computer and Google ‘bondage’ or ‘whipping’. She comes across the acronym BDSM and then enters the search term ‘my husband forced bdsm on me painfully’ to see if she can find how she should handle what has happened.

There is nothing wrong with being aroused by watching porn that contains BDSM, but acting out what you have seen in BDSM porn is definitely wrong. Forcing your BDSM desires on another person is equally wrong! Before engaging in BDSM there is a lot of things to consider, such as:

  • is your partner interested in trying it too?
  • what exactly are you both interested in? Bondage? Whipping? Clamps? Hard fucks? Gags? Blindfolds? Pain?
  • what if one is interested in something and the other is not? How do you solve that?
  • how do you make sure that both are safe?

Before you even set your first step into starting a BDSM relationship, you have to read, read, read. Gain as much knowledge about it as you can. If you are already in a relationship and your desire is to start a BDSM relationship with your wife/husband/lover, the very first thing you have to do is to discuss it. Your partner might not be interested in trying anything BDSM-wise at all and you have to be prepared for your desires not to be met, or that you will have to find another solution to have them met. If both you and your partner are interested in trying BDSM, then communication is key. This is before you start on anything, after you have started and continuously. Communication never stops!

During this pre-negotiating period, you discuss things you would like to try, things you know you like, things you want to explore together and things you absolutely never ever want to try. Those are your boundaries, and those boundaries are to be respected. Next to communication, respect is a big thing! You do not step over someone’s boundaries and you do not engage in play before you have discussed boundaries, AND a safe word. A safe word is another way of communicating, during a scene. The safe word is used to stop all actions, discuss what ‘went wrong’ or ‘was the problem’ and then it’s decided whether you will continue or not.

I will never have a good word for a man who forced BDSM on his wife. Even when the word ‘painfully’ is left out of the search term that led people to my blog, it’s still not good. BDSM is not forced on another person. That’s unsafe and unethical and nothing but abuse!

Therefore, typing the search term “my husband forced bdsm on me painfully”, the woman could just as well have typed: “my husband abused me”.

Please educate yourself if you want to engage in BDSM. There’s a lot of good resources on the internet, but you can also get in contact with someone who’s already in the scene, and ask them to mentor you. The world doesn’t need people who say they are dominants when in fact they are nothing more than an abuser!

ยฉ Rebel’s Notes

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5 thoughts on ““my husband forced bdsm on me painfully”

  1. Twiglet says:

    She’s been assaulted and abused. I hope she found advice to give her confidence in herself.
    It made me so sad hearing it and reminds me how privileged I am to be in the relationship I am. So yeah consent consent consent.
    Humbly twigs.

  2. Woah, there. There are many reasons for typing things into search engines. Ahem – my search history might well reveal things that have not happened and that I wouldn’t ever actually want to happen. But that in the moment, I might be looking for stories about said thing to get off to.

    I am very familiar with the experience of creating a vivid and upsetting story in response to something I see or read, the curse of empathy and the writer brain. But there is no reason you need to worry too much about the possibility that this has happened. Not that it hasn’t – I have to stop myself focussing on the knowledge of how many billions of unbearable atrocities are happening Right Now in case I go mad at any given moment.

    But this one… eh. If people can have rape fantasy, they can have non con BDSM fantasy as well, don’t you think?

    • Marie Rebelle says:

      Thank you for your comment and highlighting the other side of this. Of course someone could have typed this in for some kind of research. That’s quite true.
      I used this post to talk about my initial reaction when I saw the search term, and the way there unfortunately are husbands who disguise abuse as BDSM and just expect their wives to go along with it. The point I wanted to get across here to both men and women is to educate themselves and not to engage in something that they have no knowledge about.

  3. Well said Rebel! So well said!

    My mind boggles at the thought of entering into any form of BDSM without having discussed it first. What sort of craziness is that?

    I agree 100% that that woman was abused and sexually assaulted. Whenever the word FORCED is used we can assume consent went out the window.

    I hope people read this post and, if they are interested in exploring BDSM, they take your advice to educate themselves beforehand and also to have a frank and open discussion with their partner about expectations, limits etc.

    Well done Rebel
    Kat x

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