Our Kind Of Monogamy

In recent weeks, even months, I have seen several discussions on social media about monogamy, as well as several articles in the media on the same subject. Reading the words of others, it made me think of our relationship, that of Master T and myself. How should we describe our relationship?

Before I share my train of thought with you, let me share some quotes:

From CNN:

Many are quick to label a person who strays from his or her marriage or relationship as a “cheater,” but it’s really not that simple. It’s time for our culture to wake up and smell the sex pheromones: monogamy is not natural for many, or probably even most, humans.

With people living longer than ever before, a greater tolerance toward the human impulse to experience sexual variety is needed. Whether a person succeeds at being sexually monogamous depends as much on biology as environment.

History and biology suggest that strict monogamy, which has social advantages, is not a “one size” fits all proposition.

 

From The Sydney Morning Herald:

‘Some of the things I say about monogamy are regarded as dangerous,” he says. ”But I actually think the attitudes we hold about monogamy and the importance we place on it is more dangerous, is doing more damage, is harming marriages, is leading to more divorces than anything I’ve ever recommended that people do or think.’

 

AND

‘We tell people that humans are naturally monogamous and [it’s not] true. We know that in most serious long-term relationships, 60 per cent of the men in them will cheat, 40 per cent of the women … and we pound it into people’s heads that if there’s infidelity you must end the marriage, that the marriage is destroyed.

 

From Big Think:

Why should you only have sex with the person you are in a relationship with?

After all, there exist many successful relationships involving people having passionate interactions, of whatever kind, with people other than their primary partner. This is done with their primary partner’s knowledge and consent and, presumably, consenting to their primary partner doing the same.

Whatever name we use – polyamory, ethical or consensual nonmonogamy – it is important to recognise such relationships exist, are fulfilling and successful.

Many assume that a relationship can only exist if it is monogamous: in the sense that you can only have sexual relations with one person, with whom you probably share a deeply personal relationship. But these assumptions should be questioned.

 

Back to my thoughts…

Monogamy.

weddingringsWhen Master T and I got married, we promised to be each other’s partner until the end of time. We still keep this promise and we still intend to keep this promise until the end of time.

But…

From very early in our relationship, Master T told me that he would love to see other men fucking me. In fact, way in the beginning of our relationship, before either of us were ready to admit that we were IN a relationship, I still had ‘encounters’ with other men and I told Master T everything. I didn’t tell him because I wanted to hurt him, but I told him because he wanted to know. He asked me to tell him everything. After we got married (10 years ago this year) it took until after the start of our D/s relationship before Master T got his way – to watch while someone else was fucking me. I remember how uncomfortable I felt the first time I another man fucked me while Master T watched. It just felt do wrong. This is not how I was raised. This was wrong. I had to work hard to get those voices from my head and today I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore when it happens, but I am always aware of Master T’s presence, and I would never want it to happen without him being there.

So, monogamy…

No, we are not monogamous, because we allow other people in our relationship in a sexual manner. We are not swingers, we are not polyamorous, we are not monogamous.

But, what are we then?

We are married. We love each other. We are soulmates. We are best friends. We share something incredibly special and we cherish that every day.

We also play with others, but we have one ground rule: we are always together in the same room. Whenever we share anything with others in a sexual setting, we are together. That is the one rule we will never change. We trust each other without words. Sometimes the girls at my work talk about how men can’t be trusted and when I say that mine can, they look at me with something of sympathy in their eyes. I in turn look at them with pity, feeling sorry for them that they cannot fully trust the one they (seemingly) love.

I’ve had relationships before where he was the one fucking around and when I found out about it, all hell broke lose. I’ve also been in a relationship where I was the one who fucked around. He suspected it, but never had it confirmed. He would not have approved of it. Are humans made for monogamy? Should we be with one partner for the rest of our lives? Or should we have a primary partner and then set each other free to have other sexual partners within a ‘set of rules’ that makes us feel comfortable and keep our primary relationship safe? I do not have answers for this, and I think there’s no one out there who has a clear answer either.

I guess it all boils down to choices. We all make our choices in life, because in the end that is exactly what it comes to. It’s a choice you make of how you want to live your life. Others should respect that choice and shouldn’t think that they have the right to judge the way you live your life, whether with one, two, three or no partner. I have made my choice. Grown into it. I have never been as happy in a relationship as I am now (and I have more than enough experience with relationships, including marriage) and I truly believe that it’s because I have been set free by Master T.

We are not monogamous. There are many labels we can use to describe ourselves. Married. Lovers. Soulmates. Best friends. But not monogamous. And I like it just fine like this…

© Rebel’s Notes

Click the button to see who else is playing or to link your own post.

Wicked Wednesday

11 thoughts on “Our Kind Of Monogamy

  1. I love that there are so many different ways to make a relationship work. Sometimes I think the labels trip people up – monogamous, polyamorous, non-monogamous, open…In the end, it doesn’t matter what you call it so long a it works for you and your partner. It’s wonderful to be reminded of that 🙂

  2. I couldn’t agree more, we are who we are and we explore who we are together. Yes, we’ve made mistakes along the way but I’m sure most people have. Whatever works for you is the right way for you 🙂

  3. I’m all for the societal acceptance of non-monogamy as a legitimate relationship choice. I’m just hoping it doesn’t go full inversion where the hate parade keeps on marching, just for what used to be acceptable. People have a habit of going to extremes.

    I remember writing a paper for my History of Christianity in class where I wrote about the Roman Empire’s relationship with early Christianity. In the beginning, they were intolerant of Christianity itself. Once they embraced it, they became intolerant of anything else. Intolerant the whole way through, they just changed out what they hated. I find people now often do the same thing and I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.

    I think a lot of people find freedom in non-monogamy when they get into kink. It’s far more accepted within those circles than in vanilla society, and I’m sure that’s why there seems to be a majority of non-monogamous people in individual communities.

    I also think that’s why you find a lot of larger people in kink as well, because, overall, kink embraces all sorts of differences.

  4. Great post, and I’ve always been a bit envious (positively) of your relationship. I like how you two make your relationship your own, on your terms, and don’t worry about the labels (although soulmate and best friend are such beautiful terms).

    • Marie Rebelle says:

      Thanks luv. We’ve always done things the way we wanted to do it, and it seems the older we get, the more comfortable we are with it and the less we ‘seek’ approval from others. In fact, we are not looking for approval at all anymore, but just doing what makes us happy. And he really is my soulmate and my best friend 🙂

  5. One of the most important thing in any relationship is communication. I’ve been in relationships where there was none at all. They didn’t work out 🙂
    If you talk to each other then any style of relationship can work even if it’s not considered to be socially or culturally acceptable. And at the end of the day, if it works for you who cares what others think. As you say it’s your choice and other people should respect that.

  6. Rebel,
    I love hearing about other people’s relationships. It’s endlessly fascinating the different ways we chose to live together.
    I personally do not think monogamy is our natural state… Perhaps when we, as humans, only lived into our 30s or were in constant danger of death by sabre tooth tiger it made sense, but as we can now live well beyond 80 it seems unrealistic to have only one partner for life. Having said that, I am married to a man who firmly believes in monogamy and simply cannot wrap his head around the idea of wanting other people. We talk about our different perspectives but I love him and respect his feelings.
    So, I am monogamously married. However, I will flirt with anyone! I need that freedom!
    Great post Rebel. I’m glad you two have found what works for you. As long as you are both happy that’s all that counts.
    Kat x

  7. So many echoes of my own relationship in your wonderful words and I was nodding in agreement more and more with every line . . . especially “it all boils down to choices”.

    It’s always lovely to read of other couples experiences and what makes their lives special and fulfilling and this is wonderful.

    So happy for you both.

    Xxx – K

Comments are closed.