“when to start calling him master bdsm”

The title of this post are the exact words that have been used in a search and where someone found my blog. It sparked a post in my mind, and I promise I will try not to let this sound like a rant.

A couple of weeks ago I was copied in on a conversation on Twitter. The conversation started when a man on Twitter asked a friend why she writes her name with a capital letter. Her twitter handle consists the word ‘sub’ followed by an underscore and then her name. The latter is written with a capital letter. According the questioner, that was incorrect, because a sub should ALWAYS write her name with a small letter. My friend referred him to other subs, including me, who write their names with capital letters. I went back and replied as follows:

I really don’t see what the way you write a name has to do with being a sub. I don’t like to see my name with a small letter. A name should be written with a capital letter. I also don’t like to write about W/we. This doesn’t make me less of a sub than I am. And what’s more, this is not for anyone else to determine but for the Dom(me) and his/her sub.

 

He never replied to me, but he replied to others who were copied into the conversation and were milder with their replies. But, the conversation stayed in my mind, and when I decided to participate in @WankOfTheDay’s new meme #SexySearching, I instantly thought about this Twitter conversation when I saw the search string in the title.

You must have noticed that when I talk about Master T, I write His, Him and He with capital letters. I started doing this back in the days when I thought that I should do this, that it’s the only correct way. Master T never expected of me to use the capital letters. Later I wanted to stop with it, as it felt unnatural to do it, but to go back to all posts where I used the capital letters is just an impossible task with close to 400 posts in the category D/s on my blog (although I might be crazy enough to change it all). I grew going to church and studying the Bible and I was taught that He, Him and He in a sentence, when not the first word, refers to God. I am not religious anymore, but it still feels strange to use the capital letters. Maybe after this post is the perfect moment to stop using those capital letters.
But, I respect that there are subs that write their names with small letters, and Doms who wants their subs writing He, His, Him written with capital letters, as well as You when you address them directly.

I have never written about us as U/us or W/we. Have you ever tried to type that with your normal speed of typing at? Or to read it? It’s like a huge speed wobble. I feel like I am stuttering trying to read it. It just feels so entirely unnatural.
But, I respect that there are D/s couples out there who refer to themselves as U/us or W/we. Master T and I don’t.

Something else I see a lot is that female subs on Twitter address every man, whether dominant or not, as ‘sir’. Why? They don’t address every woman they talk to as ‘lady’ or ‘madam’ or any other equivalent of ‘sir’. There are one or two male subs who call all the woman ‘madam’ or ‘lady’, but then they don’t call all the menman ‘sir’. I don’t understand why the subs do this. It doesn’t seem to have any added value to a conversation. Calling a man/woman who is not your Dom(me) by the name won’t harm the conversation, would it?
But, I respect that there are D/s relationships where it has been that’s agreed upon between the Dom(me) and the sub, that the sub should use this way to address all the men/woman on Twitter or in other written conversations.

goodwife
The good wife’s guide
(click to enlarge)

I guess I can come up with more of these examples, but you get the drift of my post. No two relationships are the same, whether vanilla or kinky. There isn’t a rule book that tell you what you should do in your relationship. Way, way back it was an unwritten rule that the husband would work and the wife would stay at home, cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry, etc. Way way back there was even a guide on how to be a good wife, and to be fair, there was a similar guide on how to be a good husband. Nowadays things are very different. Even though we have a D/s relationship, I never cook. He never does the laundry. We both do vacuuming and cleaning. I get down on my knees to scrub the floors; Master T cleans the toilet downstairs. We both work full-time, which means housework happens on the weekends, and we do it together. That is what we have agreed upon, that is what works for us.

The same with our D/s relationship: very soon after we started our relationship I let go of the idea that I had to do this or had to do that because that’s the way it should be. We do things our way, the way it works for us. And that’s what everyone should do. So even if I do have an opinion about writing names with capitals or using W/we or calling every man ‘sir’, that is just that: my opinion about what works for me. And that is the way everyone else should do it: do what works for you. That said, I feel the man on Twitter had no right at all to tell my friend and all the other subs who write their names with capital letters, that they are wrong and he is right.

To get back to the title of this post – “when to start calling him master bdsm” – I can be very short about it: it depends on how your relationship develops and when you make the commitment to submit to him. There is no right or wrong way about it. Just be sensible!

© Rebel’s Notes

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9 thoughts on ““when to start calling him master bdsm”

  1. As you know, we have just written about this very thing after another sub called me “Sir” and I had trouble figuring out why it bothered me. Your points are very well put – I wish I could get more thought from other Doms/Tops.

  2. It’s one of those strange things that is individual to each of us. When I’m writing, I usually capitalise “Sir” or “Master”, but it would never occur to me to capitalise “he” or “him”. To be honest, I’m a bit of a grammar fascist and it would just look wrong to me.

    As for my own name, I am always Chloë. The only time I’m chloë is if I’m typing quickly and I haven’t noticed.

    If that’s how the reader likes to do it, then that’s fine, but the way we write really is down to our individual styles and has nothing to do with how we define our relationships.

  3. Ah, the one ‘twue’ way strikes again…I think my response would have been as strongly worded as yours.., possibly with an extra sigh of exasperation !

  4. Thanks so much for this post. My husband & I are newbies who’ve been told we’re using our safewords or topping/bottoming incorrectly. (We only play with roles in the bedroom/dungeon & we switch frequently – sometimes during a scene!)

    In the past I’ve felt embarrassed to be “doing something wrong,” but after reading this I’ll know to chalk it up to the commenter’s own issues.

  5. I love this post! Being only a year on Fetlife, I’m baffled by how many people decide that they can dictate how I should behave (likewise with my husband) and how I should be talked to based on label that we don’t even claim.

    Far too many believe that they should be in these cookie cutter relationships, but only the individuals involved in the relationship should dictate that.

  6. I’m currently reading the book Domination & Submission The BDSM Relationship Handbood by Michael Makai and in it he suggests that the use of capitalised letters when referring to a dominate and lower case when referring to a submissive comes largely from the development of the internet as a way to differentiate between the dom and sub in an online setting where it may not be so clear. If you haven’t read it yet I would recommend it gives some very interesting information in there.

    You are right it really does come down to the individual relationship and what they feel happy doing and saying.

    Really good post Marie.

    Velvet x

  7. As you’ll know from having read my posts on my blog, I use Him, He etc but I don’t use the W/we U/us….jeez, I’d be there all damn day if I did….however I respect that other’s do. As you say, their dynamic to do with as they please.

    As for subs always having to use lower case for their names, show me where this is written in BDSM law *shakes head* The man was deluding himself, and being pretty bloody arrogant about it too. A name is a name, capitalisation doesn’t change one’s submissive status….silly man!!

    Flip xxx

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