At the moment that I write this, it has been a few weeks since my mom told me that she has discovered my pseudonym. But that’s not all she told me. She has known for three years! She just never said anything, because she respected the fact that I want to keep it away from the family, that I didn’t want the kids to know, or her.
On the day she told me she knew, I was open towards her about my writing group (company) and I think that triggered her to confide in me me that she knows. She knows my alter ego is Marie Rebelle. So many questions ran through my mind at that moment. I asked her whether she liked my pseudonym and she said that it fits, especially the ‘Rebelle’ part. She thought Marie was pronounced ‘Mary’ but when I explained to her where it comes from, she realized she had the pronunciation wrong. And once she knew where it came from, she thought my pseudonym to be even more fitting.
There was one crucial question I wanted to ask and on the drive back home, I finally asked it: “Have you visited my blog?”
She said she hasn’t and I told her just not to, as it goes further than she might want to see or know.
On the day I heard she knows, almost all I could think about was that she never said anything. It amazed me, but it also gave me the feeling that she understood my need for keeping that part of my life away from the family. That she respected the fact that I never told her under which name I write. I have suspected for quite some time that she knows, as back when we went to Eroticon for the first time, she accidentally mentioned the name of the conference, even though I never told her the name. And, this is exactly where she discovered my pseudonym: on the Eroticon site.
The next day, the questions started.
Will this change the way I talk to my mom about my blog and my writing?
Will my mom really not visit my blog? Or maybe she already saw it but didn’t want to mention it because of the way I asked my question?
If she has seen my blog, this means she knows about our D/s relationship and me being fucked by others. How do I feel about that?
If she hasn’t seen my blog, what guarantee do I have that she will never visit it?
There were more similar questions running through my mind, but it stopped after a day or two. If I really had been worried about all these things, and more, those questions would have stayed in my head for months, possibly forever. And I might not have been able to be with my mom without thinking of her knowing my alter ego.
But I am not worried. When we started off on this journey, we discussed what would happen if my alter ego was ‘discovered’. We decided that whoever discovers it, might have been deliberately looking for it, which seems to be the case for my mom. After Eroticon 2013 she went back to the Eroticon site and after reading and clicking, she found my pseudonym. Which again makes me think she has been on my site, maybe only once. If my mom goes back to read my site and she knows about the way I live my life, it’s her choice. I cannot stop her from doing it.
You see, I know my mom has lived quite an ‘interesting’ life too and to repeat her own words: she has done things that others would not approve of. She grew up in a time where so many things were wrong and frowned up. She was just way ahead of her time. I tend to think that, even though nowadays she’s not interested in sex at all, she will be okay with the way I live my life, because it might be similar to the way she wanted to live her life too, or maybe lived it for a short period.
I know my mom is proud of me being published. She even told a colleague of hers that I write erotica when I was published for the first time. Maybe this was the reason why she went out looking for my pseudonym. I don’t know. I know however that knowing my mom knows doesn’t make me feel negative or afraid to carry on with this blog and my writing group. If she disapproved, she would have told me even before she discovered my pseudonym.
You know, I’m damn proud to say: I have a very cool mom!
© Rebel’s Notes
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This post links to the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2015
M = Mom
This post has been chosen as one of the top 3 for the May 2015 edition of Elust.