Please note: In no way has this piece been written to offend anyone, put them in a negative light or hurt them, but only to convey my own thoughts and feelings.
Continued from… Triple Dominance: The prelude
Like I said, Master B and I still had to discuss the exercises I had to do as preparation for the date.
In anticipation of the date, Master B told me that a fourth person would be present that evening. At first I thought it would be another man, as had been suggested for the date we were going to have in the beginning of the year, but then I was told that a female Dominant would join us. Master B is polyamorous as is the female Dominant. They were combining our date with a hotel stay for the two of them. I have met the female Dominant on one occasion before, but that was in a totally vanilla setting.
Of course I heard about Mrs A joining us around the same time that I started getting continuous tasks from Master B and while he was still writing in a tone that totally upset me. All of that was talked about and fixed, but the one thing that remained was my nervous and frightened feelings about being in one room with three Dominants, of which one was a woman.
I have never submitted to a woman.
No, that is not true. In a way I have submitted to a woman – to Rose, when she beat me with the carpet beater. But I have known Rose for a longer time and we are on one line with quite a couple of things. I would gladly submit to her again. There is another woman I have said I would submit to and that is Kinky Mia. However, before any kind of submission will happen, I will first have to meet her in real life and see if it clicks just as well as it does online. Only then will I know for sure whether I would still want to submit to her. To me, a connection on a certain level is very important. I didn’t know whether I would be able to have that kind of connection with Mrs A. I like her, have spoken to her, but when I did, writing was the subject and not dominance. I have never looked upon her as a dominant woman, but as a writer. And before our date there would be no time at all to see whether there was a connection between us. So yes, my nerves were absolutely shattered.
Combine my shattered nerves with the fact that Master B told me that I would have to do the exercises in front of him and Mrs A and that I would then be judged to see if I was ‘good enough’. That was just too much. I don’t always feel comfortable about my body and being as nervous as I was for the date, wanting to judge me totally upset me. Oh my god, I cannot tell you what a terrible crying mess I was. Please, please, I begged Master T, please, no performance. No being judged. Not in front of a woman whom I didn’t know well. Not in front of a woman who might have a much nicer body than I am and make me feel even more inadequate than I already did.
Now, I have to mention that I knew that all of this happened in my mind. That this was all my own doing and no one else’s. I was the one feeling insecure. I was telling myself that I am not good enough. I was the one feeling totally un-sub-like because I started a discussion with Master B. As said, I have met Mrs A before and she really is sweet. She has always been sweet to me – when I met her, and on Twitter. I knew I had nothing to fear, but my own insecurities had me in a panicked grip. So much so that I did not want the date to happen anymore. I was terrified. My crooked mind told me that there was no way that I was going to be able to handle being dominated by three people.
Yet again I discussed my fears with Master T and eventually it was decided that the performance would not happen. I would not be judged to see whether I am good enough to join in for the evening. All that would still happen as planned was my punishment for being disrespectful towards Master B as well as anything else that Master B and Mrs A had planned for the evening.
And then the day for the date arrived. By then I was calm, or rather, as calm as I could be with nerves raging through my body like a stampede.
To be continued… Triple Dominance: The punishment
© Rebel’s Notes