Time After Time

past-present-futureThe past is where you learned the lesson
The future is where you apply the lesson
Don’t give up in the middle

When I saw the picture, the first thing that came to mind was that I have always said that whatever we go through now, we have to go through to be able to know how to handle things in future. This is not a knowledge I had all my life, but just an epiphany that came to me at some stage in my life. It made me look back on my life and realizing that some hardships I have gone through in earlier life, had helped me to handle similar kinds of situations later in life.

As you might have read in other places on this website, I fell pregnant when I was 16. The circumstances of the pregnancy is not relevant for this post. I was still young when I fell pregnant for the second time. Only 21. Had I have a choice, now looking back on my life, I would have done it differently. But then again, I wonder whether I would have had any children then, as my uterus was removed with cancerous growths when I was almost 25. To me there was a message in this – life just happened the way it did, making me a young mother, instead of no mother at all.

I grew up with a dominant father and my first husband was a dominant man too. I always walked on eggs around my father, being in the best of behavior so not to aggravate him. I was so used to always trying to be a ‘good girl’ and being what my father expected of me, that when I met my first husband, I did the same. This, however, was not the reason why we were divorced after being together for four years; married for two. More serious relationships followed and in all of them I changed myself to what I thought the man in question wanted me to be. A second marriage failed, and when it did, I decided that I would rather be alone than not be myself. Then I met Master T… and as they say, the rest is history. He accepted me exactly the way I am from the very moment we got in contact with each other.

There was a time when I ended up in a relationship with a couple. He was the dominant one, but in all the wrong ways. She was the submissive one, but yet again, in all the wrong ways. He abused us. Hit us in anger. Marks left on our bodies, left there in anger. She was my first bisexual experience and it took me a couple of months to realize that she wasn’t bisexual by nature, but because she knew she had to interact sexually with women or her husband would fuck around without her having ‘control’ over it. She submitted to his abuse because she had nowhere else to go. He made sure that she was totally dependent on him. He tried to do the same with me, but eventually after being with them for nine months, my fighting spirit conquered and I left them.

I took a lot of lessons with me from that relationship. At the time I didn’t recognize it as lessons that would help me later in life. It was only when Master T and I made our D/s commitment and the first marks were left on my body, that I thought back on the previous time I had similar marks. How similar those marks were, yet how incredibly different. I also thought about the dominant men earlier in my life – from my father to most of the relationships I had before Master T. There are different kinds of dominance out there – some of them bad, some of them just what I need, like the dominance coming from Master T.

There are definitely more lessons I have learned in my past that I have already applied or that I might apply in future situations. Lessons you have learned doesn’t always have to come from negative experiences, even though I think that it’s mostly during negative experiences that we learn more about ourselves and carry the baggage with us to help us in future. That is the way it has always been for me. And believe me, going through hard times I never think that it will be good for something in the future, as at that moment I am only busy surviving whatever I am going through. It’s always later that I look back upon hard times and understand what I have learned.

The bottom text in the image says “don’t give up in the middle.”
At heart I am a fighter. I fight for survival, fight for the happiness of my kids, for the happiness of my loved ones. I have always been a fighter and I will always be one. But, I have given up in the past. Just look at the two failed marriages and other failed relationships. There are more examples, which I won’t mention in this post. Sometimes one has to give up. Sometimes the fight is not worth it, or it’s not worth to continue the fight and you have to admit defeat.

Life is never a straight road. It has many twists and turns in it and each of us react different in similar situations. But I do believe that this is true:

The past is where you learned the lesson
The future is where you apply the lesson

But, we live in the present and that’s just it: LIVE IT!

© Rebel’s Notes

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2 thoughts on “Time After Time

  1. Really powerful, and touching, to read. I’ve always admired your posts, ability to post so frequently and so interestingly . . . more recently I’ve been beginning to admire the lady behind the words . . . now even more so !!!
    Yes, life is all twists and turns (and ups and downs LOL!!!) . . . but especially YES, we should all just LIVE it and try to make it FUN for everyone!!!
    Xxx – K

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