A hunger for pain. A hunger for denial. A hunger for dominance. A hunger for Him.
A deep need.
It’s consuming me from inside. It’s all I can think about. It drives me to tears. It makes me feel insecure. Unloved. It makes me irrational in my fears.
I hunger to feel His dominance again.
I hunger for everything to return to ‘normal’ again. Our ‘normal’. Our life. Our D/s.
It has been in a holding pattern for too long now. First due to tiredness on both our sides, then due to waiting for the baby to be born. Not my baby, but for weeks I waited for the call that I should come, as I was going to witness and photograph its birth. The waiting oozed through to every part of our lives. Like I said – a holding pattern. I constantly felt as if I could not get on with everything, because we had to wait for the baby to be born.
Now that its born, I need to get back to our life.
The hunger has become a dull ache inside me. I want Master T to hurt me, to really hurt me. I want Him to give me tasks to focus me all day long. No complicated tasks that He has to think about for weeks, but simple tasks. Something to make me feel me again. Because that is it: I am out of touch with myself. I feel adrift. Lost. I need to be me, need to feel my submission, my love, my devotion again. Even though we have a date for a play date soon and I know I will probably feel pain then, it is not enough. I don’t need to feel dominance from anyone else, I need to feel it coming from Master T.
I need to reconnect with Him. I feel out of touch. With Him, with myself, with us. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. The need, the hunger – it’s destroying me.
I need Master T, hunger for His dominance over me. Hunger for Him to hurt me, for Him to control me, for Him to show me I am still His to do with whatever He desires.
I hunger for my Master T.
© Rebel’s Notes
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N = Need