Some days ago I wrote the post ‘G is for Girlfriend‘. In it I said that I really want a girlfriend, someone who would make me feel to be just as an important part of her life as I would make her feel.
I have been in love with different girls (women) before, but because of different circumstances, I have not had a relationship with any of them. It’s not because of lack of trying though.
Once I realized that I am ready for a relationship with a woman again, I kept my eyes open. No, I did not fall in love with the first woman who crossed my path. That would have felt like pushing it in an unnatural way. Frankly, by the time the realization hit me, I was already in love with a woman, but I knew it would never go anywhere and it still will not. I love her to bits, but I will always wait for her to make the first move and she knows that. The woman I am talking about is my best friend, one of the most beautiful people – inside and out – I have ever met.
Embarking on our kink journey, we met a lovely couple and I was incredibly fond of the girl. We saw them a couple of times and then she started to withdraw from me. Not answering mails, not answering tweets, literally just ignoring me. It took me weeks to accept that it was over even before it started. Tears were shed, wounds were licked and some weeks later I could move on again.
There was the woman I fell in love with on Twitter. I so wished she lived closer to me, but she was about 8 time zones ahead of me. Our contact on Twitter and in mails was hot. Even though I did not want an online relationship, I gradually moved to think something is better than nothing. This potential relationship turned bad when she started acting nasty when I talked to other women on Twitter. I realized she was claiming me and I put a stop to it.
We met another couple and gradually I fell in love with the woman. Like I said in my G is for Girlfriend post, I like to keep in contact, but I want it to be mutual. If all initiation for contact comes from my side, I feel as if I am making a nuisance of myself. And I know making a nuisance of yourself just pushes someone further away, so then I keep my distance because I really don’t want to annoy anyone. I still see her, and enjoy every moment I am with her, but I am totally okay that she’s not looking for a relationship with a woman in the same way I am. She really is a darling. And, to be honest, I know I will run into the same problem with her than with another woman I would love to have as my girlfriend. That problem has to do with the rules Master T has set me.
Some months ago a new female customer started to frequent the same hangout we frequently go to. The first time she was there, she ended up sitting next to me. A nice looking, bubbly woman. Funny. Attractive. Friendly. Sexy. Only after seeing her for the third time I realized that the reason I could not stop thinking about her was because I was in love. She consumed all my thoughts, more than any other woman but my best friend has done in years. She joined me on some of my walks, we had contact on social media and text messages. I had and have no idea whether she is even remotely interested in women, but I enjoyed her company. And then she disappeared. Not from social media though. She’s still there, but yet again no contact from her side. We don’t see her at our hangout anymore. Nothing. I have no idea what happened or if something even happened. Maybe she fell in love and is spending time with him, even though there’s nothing about that on social media, but it is obvious that something is taking up her time. Not seeing her has lessen the heavy feelings I had for her and the rest of the feelings I have pushed away because I know there is no future there.
Then there’s this one woman, just one timezone away from me, who I really adore and I would absolutely LOVE to be in a real relationship with her. And the beauty of it all is that I know that she feels exactly the same. Only distance keeps us apart. And one other thing, like mentioned earlier in this post: the fact that I have to live to Master T’s rules and one of those rules is that Master T is always present when I am sexually involved with someone. For her it’s different, she is allowed to be alone with women. If either one of these obstacles could be overcome, she and I would make plans to see each other as frequently as possible.
So you see, the fact that I am not involved in a loving relationship with a woman is not for lack of trying, or for not finding someone. Potential enough, but there’s always some circumstances surrounding it that just doesn’t make it possible.
The search – though definitely not actively – for finding girl love continues… good things will come to me when the time is right, when I expect it the least.
© Rebel’s Notes
This post links in with the A-Z Blogging Challenge
L = Love