This always happens to me. I know I have to talk, I know Master T expects of me to talk, to tell Him how I feel, whether happy or unhappy. But I always clam up. I always stop talking, and then negative thoughts and feelings start brooding inside me and I make myself unhappy. And the more unhappy I make myself, the more I clam up, the more I find it difficult to start talking. It’s a catch 22 situation I get myself in.
One of the reasons why I do not start a conversation is because I cannot find the words to describe how I feel. Yes, I know. I am a writer and I cannot find the words. I have always had problems to talk to another person when I want something for myself. Whether it’s in my work or in a relationship, I just do not seem to be able to formulate proper sentences and get my message across. Thankfully, this time there was a dear friend who with half a word, totally understood how I felt and she helped me to find the right words.
With Master T needing time to replenish his resources, I felt like an anchor was taken away. I felt adrift because I could not feel His control anymore. I have given my submission to Him and with Him taking a step back, I was in a vulnerable place. All I needed was for Him to just show me that He was still there, still in control. I did not need Him to spank me, or pinch me or give me orders, all I needed was a word, a sign that He was still in control.
At last I managed to find the words, to tell Master T how I felt. He told me that it would be okay. That He just needed time, but that everything will be okay. I followed a piece of advice and made a point of it to sit at His feet every night before we went to bed. This calmed me. When He put His hand on my head, I felt the calmness taking hold of me. Something so simple – sitting at His feet – had the effect I needed. I even managed to open up more, to talk to Him.
And I confessed…
I confessed that out of pure rebellion, I did not follow my rules anymore. My reasoning in my deepest darkest hours was that if He did not have any interest in me, I would not follow His rules. Of course, thinking this way was really me exaggerating a lot, because he DID have interest in me. He still put my collar around my neck every night. He was still my loving Husband. He was still my Owner. He was just tired and needed time to heal. My reasoning was totally unreasonable, totally off the charts and childish.
I confessed that I did not wear my nipple charms for some days. And I confessed that I did not wear my butt plug on one of the Thursdays we went to the shopping center. I confessed the first over breakfast in the morning and the second in email later the same day. And when I saw His words in the return email, I knew everything would really be okay:
There are rules that you have to adhere to. Whether you are rebellious or not and no matter how you feel, my rules stand and will be followed!
Those words made me smile. They made me feel love, wanted. And that night it was extra special when He put His hand on my head. My Master was still here, still in control. He just needed time…
© Rebel’s Notes
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