Restoring my balance

balanceI hate the moments that I feel out of sorts. The moments where I am not in touch with myself and not in sync with Master T. The moments where my emotional balance seem to be off balance and I struggle to get it back.

There is always something that triggers this.

It can be a bad dream. I have once dreamed that Master T did not want me anymore. He was tired of me and in my dream He made no secret of it that I was boring Him. He was not interested in sex with me, not interested in dominating me, not wanting me to obey Him. Frankly, I was just of no interest to Him anymore. I woke up with tears on my cheeks and I was out of sorts for several days. I told Master T about my dream and of course He put my mind at ease. And of course, the moment I woke up I knew it was just a bad dream. I had no idea where it came from, but at least I knew it was only a dream.

Sometimes life gets too busy around us and some things seem to drift off to the background. It can either be because of work things or because we are being kept busy by the kids and our weekends are filled with anything but sexy things. Oh, sexy is always just around the corner, but when we do not get a chance to round the corner then the sexy stays away. This eventually makes me feel restless and then I have this awful voice in my head that starts telling me that Master T is not interested in me anymore. See, there you have that awful dream again, except for the difference that I am totally awake but I have nasty voices in my head.

The last time I felt totally out of balance was quite recently. For some or other reason Master T had a spell of feeling tired and quite listless and this lasted for weeks. Some days I could see His tiredness, as it was etched on His face and I knew we just had to wait for it to pass. But it lasted and lasted and eventually, after keeping those voices at bay for some weeks, I lost the fight. The voices took over and there I was again, feeling insecure and unloved. I know how unreasonable these thoughts were and promised myself I would not whine. I would not moan. I wanted to give Master T the room to feel better. But, I could not fight the feelings anymore. I missed Him. I missed His firm touch. I missed His guidance. I felt lost. I was out of balance and no matter how hard I tried, only He could restore my imbalance. I needed His control.

Master T knew how I felt. He always knows. And He always understands. He told me it would be okay and I knew it would. Still I felt the tears sting behind my eyes. Not constantly, but it was there. I wished He would just get angry with me and give me a spanking, but I knew that if He would give me a spanking when He’s angry it would cause more harm than make anything better. And what’s more, He just never gets angry.

What do I do to try and restore my balance? Sometimes I cry. A good long cry in which I just expel everything from my system. Sometimes I just need to talk. And not talk to just anyone, but talk to Master T. He is the only one that can help me when I feel like this. And sometimes I just have to have more patience than other times for Him to feel better, to restore His own balance before He can help me find mine.

Why do my insecurities bug me like this? Life happens all around us and we are no different than any other couple. We cannot be busy with sex and D/s and kinky stuff 24 hours a day. I know that, so why do I, when we do not seem to be in touch with our sexy sides, feel like He doesn’t want me anymore? Where do these insecurities come from? I have no idea and then again I do think I know that it comes from bad experiences in the past, but I don’t want to go all psychological on myself. I hate these insecurities. I hate feeling like I have lost my balance, but what I hate even more is not being able to restore it without help.

Master T is the one who keeps me sane, who keeps me in balance. Master T is the one I need in my life, who I need by my side. I need His control as much as I need food and drink. I cannot be without it, because that makes me feel incomplete, out of balance.

Thankfully, my balance is always restored again. Some times I just have to be more patient than other times…

© Rebel’s Notes

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