I AM good enough!

A week before the day of our last play date, we still had no reaction on our advert on Fetlife. We had the feeling that we were not going to succeed and mentally I was preparing myself for our punishment. Our play date was happening on Friday. On Monday evening I decided to ‘feed-kick’ our ad on Fetlife. I was incredibly surprised when within half an hour we had a response from a lady that wanted to join us. At first I thought it was a joke, but soon we realized she was very serious about it. In the next three days a couple of emails were exchanged, limits were discussed and transport and sleeping arrangements were made.

I could not believe that we have succeeded with our task and I refused to believe it up to the moment the woman got into the car with us. Only then it was real. Up to that moment I was nervous and once she was in the car, the nerves seemed to increase. Would I be able to keep my demons at bay for the entire evening? The spontaneous and friendly chatter of V, our guest, helped me to relax a little on our drive to the venue. It was only once we arrived there and we had to wait for the other couple that my nerves started playing up again. Under the best of circumstances I do not like waiting, let alone when my nerves are playing up.

I wonder whether Master T had sensed something. The three of us were waiting for Master R and Dena to arrive when Master T told V to get ready. She went downstairs to put on a sweet, short, kinky dress and stockings. Now that something was happening, my attention was taken away from my own nerves. By then I had a dull ache on my stomach because of the nerves. The ache eventually disappeared as the evening progressed and I felt more at ease.

The evening was different from any others we have had in the past. Oh yes, there were definitely elements that were the same as when four of us play, but there were also differences because there were five of us. Two Masters, three submissives. The Masters did a great job of dividing their attention between us three woman. I had my demons at bay all evening, except for one moment. Standing there, bound with my arms behind my back, looking down at the floor, I heard the two Masters busy with the other women. I was totally okay with it, patiently waiting, until that ugly voice from deep down inside popped its head out and said: It’s just like back then. See, you’re not good enough anymore. Told you so, told you so, told you so. Told you…

Hands tied, head down, fighting voices in my head…

I shook my head to kill the voice. It did not help. I tried to concentrate on the sounds of fingering and orgasms coming from next to me, but that did not help either. In fact, the ugly voice used those sounds to torture me further.

See, they won’t even touch you. You are not good enough. Told you so. You are not good enough. Told you so. You are not good enough. Told you…..

I must have shaken my head again or maybe I even made a sound. Tears were very close and the last thing I wanted to do was to cry and spoil everyone’s evening. I needed to get a hold on myself. I am not a jealous person and this was not about jealousy at all. At least, that much I knew. This was all about being traumatized by a terrible man who left no moment unused many moons ago to tell me he had to bring other women into the relationship because I was just not good enough anymore. I did not excite him anymore. I reasoned with myself. Told myself to get a grip on my thoughts, on my mind. Master T was standing close to me and while still busy with His left hand, He put His right hand on my breast. It was then that I knew He had sensed my mood.

I fought harder to get the voice out of my head. Master T put His hand on my chin and forced me to look at Him. I pulled away, afraid that looking at Him would cause my tears to spill. He lightly touched my cheek, comforting me. I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep the tears from showing in my eyes. I was not entirely successful, which was a good thing. I had my head bent down and was looking at the floor. Concentrating on blinking my eyes to make the tears disappear, helped to shift my attention away from the voice in my head. By the time we were untied and had a moment to relax on the couch, the voice was gone.

Master T checked whether I was okay and I nodded. I was a bit quieter than normal, still afraid that the voice might return later that evening, but it did not. This evening helped me to work through something that had scarred me in the past. I have never even realized that it had left such a mark on me until the moment that we heard what our task was. I don’t know whether the voice will appear again in future, but I do know that I am stronger than that ugly voice and I know I AM good enough for Master T and that, in the end, is all I need.

© Rebel’s Notes

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15 thoughts on “I AM good enough!

  1. Ouch…I have been there, Marie. I have heard those voices and fought them too. Like hispreciouspet, though, and as I have talked about in my blog – I AM jealous. So on top of the “I’m not good enough” is the jealousy that SHE is. Ugh. It’s a heartbreaking place to be.

    But you have proven yourself strong enough to overcome the voice when it comes, and you know intellectually where it comes from. You CAN overcome it, you HAVE already, and will do so again if it torments you again.

    Hugs and love,

    Jade

    • I know the voice will torment me again. And again. And I hope to be stronger than it every time and just bask in the love Master T gives me. Thanks so much for your comment!

      Love to you too!

      Rebel xox

  2. I can so relate to this post. Bringing other people into our sex lives has been so hard for me. Our second play experience was sooo devastating, but I’m fortunate that My Master totally came to my comfort as soon as he realized my unease. Unlike you, however, I AM jealous. I know there will be more experiences like the ones that both you and I have experienced. I, too, hope to grow stronger so that I can not be brought to tears, but only maybe a little jealous and also continue to feel the happiness of bringing pleasure to my Master.

    • I think it’s a learning process for all of us, to realize that even if we engage in play with others, our Masters want to be with us and are concerned about us. I try to keep this in mind, always and that mostly helps with negative feelings.

  3. Camryn says:

    It’s loudest in those emotionally and physically vulnerable moments. Good for you for fighting back!

  4. By acknowledging those voices and facing up to them, you take away their power to continually wound you. As someone who is well practised in the art of self-destructive thinking, I can well imagine how much turmoil you were in during those moments.
    Those voices don’t deserve to be at the forefront of your mind………you have a husband who adores you, listen to *His* voice, not those of the past.

    Flip xx

    • “you have a husband who adores you, listen to *His* voice, not those of the past”

      Thank you, Flip, I will remember these words when those voices come back to hunt me!

      Rebel xox

  5. How powerful that voice can be BUT you are bigger and stronger than that voice. Your relationship with Master T is bigger than that voice. The love between you and Master T is bigger than that voice.

    That voice comes from a situation where the man in your life was small and weak and did not know the wonderful person that he had before him who is strong, sexual, submissive and powerful.

    You are the powerful person here, you stood there and you dealt with it. You confronted it rather than hide it away.

    Master T supported you when you needed it and that shows the strength and understanding of you that he has.

    Be strong beautiful woman.

    ~Mia~ xx

    • This comment moved me to tears. I definitely did not feel strong when the voice bugged me, but thankfully it passed and I sure am back to strength again. I hope the voice stays away, but if it comes back, I hope it will be easier to handle it.

      Thank you so much for this comment, Mia. It’s comments like these that help me to be even stronger!

      Rebel xox

  6. aerin33 says:

    I’ve never been so moved to tears by a post before, I’m afraid I have those same demons nipping at my brain. I’m so proud of you for overcoming them. You’re stronger than you think!

    • Thank you so much for your comment, sweetie, and you know, you are pretty strong yourself and can definitely fight those demons! I will help you 🙂

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