Aug 262013
 

bdsm-emblemContinued from… More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (2/3)

One of the most important things I wanted to ask Master T was about having sex with other people. I wanted to make it clear that the most important thing to me is our relationship and sex with others is fun, but not the goal. As long as everything is fine between Master T and me, I am happy and if this has to be without having sex with other people, I am totally okay with it. He assured me that He would not have made any effort to arrange meetings with others if He was not okay with it. This settled my mind.

While talking about this, we also talked about how to get in contact with other people. When I just started out on Twitter, I flirted with others quite a lot and with some of the people it clicked so well that we even spoke about meeting in real life. Of course, some of them were just too far away to make an appointment with, and with others who lived in the Netherlands, we just needed to find a date when we could meet. However, two people really treated me like shit, after I have confided in them. The first was something far from here and she really hurt me, but I guess I hurt her too. It always takes two to tango, right? However, the other person – living in the Netherlands – said things to me and up to today I have no idea what caused her to say it. I thought everything was going so well and was already considered her a friend. We were about to arrange to meet. I cried for a day after receiving her mail and just broke off all contact. I immediately stopped making any kind of attempts to meet other people. Now, that is about to change… Master T will always keep a watchful eye and He will have the final decision, but I will slowly be opening up again instead of just flirting and then backing off when someone shows too much interest in me.

Combined with this, we decided to be a bit ‘easier’ in our thinking. We want to go to the UK to meet up with some of the lovely people we have met at Eroticon 2013. We want to spend time with them, get to know them better, share experiences with them, etc. However, we also have a teen that loves London and we cannot tell her no every time we go there. An idea we are playing with is to take her with us, have her meet up there with someone of her age and let them spend time together, then we can spend time together with our kinky friends. Not necessarily for kinky time. It’s not about kinky play – it’s about being able to talk freely and maybe doing some kinky shopping at the London Alternative Market. Being ‘easier’ in our thinking means it will be ‘easier’ to get to London. And of course… we do not have to take the teen with us to London every time we want to go there!

The day I started talking to Master T about these things, was the same day my post ‘Restless‘ was on my site. Molly left a comment that made a light go on in my head:

Sometimes I will just push his buttons to try to get a reaction but I am getting much better at just asking for what I need. It makes him smile when I ask for something directly but then sometimes button pushing works…

I can ask? Of course I can ask!

When did I forget that? No idea.

Have Master T ever told me I am not allowed to ask? No, never.

Will He always say yes when I ask? No, of course not. In the end everything is still His decision.

Am I able to ask? Now that might be a problem. I find it very difficult to ask, to express what I want, as said in the beginning of this rambling post. But, I see it as a task, a shifting of my boundaries. For my own sanity I will have to learn to ask for things that I need. It won’t be easy, but I will try it. I also know I won’t always get a yes, that sometimes Master T will have to think about something or would postpone it to a later moment. I have however asked Master T not to tell me that we will do it “this weekend” or “next week” and then not act on it, as I take Him on His word and do not think I will be able to ask for a second time without being a terrible brat and then I would not be able to enjoy whatever it is I wanted, because I would feel like I have forced it on Him. Yes, I know, I can be a very complicated person.

All in all these conversations we had over the course of several days have started a new phase. An exciting phase. Who knows what will be down the line for us. Once again I can look at the tattoo on my leg with pride, knowing I belong to Master T, knowing I am His. Yes, in those times of dark thoughts and where I come to wrong conclusions, I do not look at my tattoo much. It is a symbol of my submission, but more so a symbol of Master T’s control and when I do not feel the control, I cannot look at the tattoo without those dark thoughts becoming pitch black. Now that all of this has been sorted out in my mind and I have written it all down to look back on when I feel the restlessness starting again, I can go ahead and continue to plan the new tattoo I will have done before the end of this year. The new tattoo will also have elements of Master T’s control and ownership in it. I would not have been able to design it, let alone have it done, if these issues have not been cleared in my mind.

I know there will be moments in which I will doubt myself again, but then I will talk to Master T and let Him sooth my doubts. I am looking at the future with bright eyes and excited anticipation.

© Rebel’s Notes

Marie Rebelle
Marie Rebelle is an erotic author and the driving force behind Rebel's Notes. She is creator of the weekly meme, Wicked Wednesday and coordinator of a Dutch writers group. She lives in the Netherlands with her Husband and kids and besides being very busy with her website and writing stories, she has a fulltime job.
Marie Rebelle
Marie Rebelle

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  8 Responses to “More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (3/3)”

  1. Asking can be problematic even when you don’t have a formal commitment of a D/s relationship. Jake and I regard each other as equals but asking for what I want is still difficult. I still have some of the traditional ideas about monogamy weighing me down.

    I am sad that you were treated so badly but don’t let other people’s bad behaviour make you turn away from something that you believe in. Their issues are theirs not yours!
    Gemma Jones recently posted..TMI Tuesday – Fuck Like a Porn StarMy Profile

    • I think those traditional ideas might be what are weighing me down too.

      And you’re right: it was their issues, not mine, although it did hurt me a lot. But I am long over it :)

  2. It is good to get things completely out in the open and I think that it is also important that from time to time a sit down and re-evaluate what is important to see where you are and where you want to go.

    I wish you and Master T all the very best in this new phase and look forward to seeing (and reading!) where it takes you!!

    ~Mia~ xx
    Mia recently posted..Talk Dirty To Me…My Profile

  3. I so know what you mean about having difficulty asking. It is a complicated issue, having to do with fear of rejection and fear of him NOT saying “no” when he doesn’t want to do something, and then me feeling like I forced the situation. So we have both had to learn to trust each other so that I can ask – I have to trust that because he says “no” he isn’t rejecting *me*, and he has had to learn that he *can* say no without me feeling rejected.

    It’s a journey – but a wonderful one!
    Jade recently posted..#KOTW – HoodsMy Profile

    • You have put in words EXACTLY what my problem is: “It is a complicated issue, having to do with fear of rejection and fear of him NOT saying “no” when he doesn’t want to do something, and then me feeling like I forced the situation.”

      I know Master T will never reject me, but I also know that I will feel I have forced the situation. I have to move away from that and that is what I am trying to learn now :)

      Rebel xox

  4. I, too, often have a hard time being direct and asking for what I want, like I’m somehow going to inconvenience him. The ironic thing is, expecting him to guess my needs – or being pouty because he doesn’t – is a lot more inconvenient.

    I applaud your efforts. And I’m glad you seem to have an understanding, supportive, and protective man to help you with them.
    Brigit Delaney recently posted..Lips Like Sugar (mini-review & give-away)My Profile

    • My Man definitely is protective, understanding and supportive and He expects of me to talk to Him. I have now decided to do so more, but I know it will take some getting used too and there will be failures. But I am going to keep on trying, until I manage to do it without feeling silly…

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