More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (3/3)

bdsm-emblemContinued from… More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (2/3)

One of the most important things I wanted to ask Master T was about having sex with other people. I wanted to make it clear that the most important thing to me is our relationship and sex with others is fun, but not the goal. As long as everything is fine between Master T and me, I am happy and if this has to be without having sex with other people, I am totally okay with it. He assured me that He would not have made any effort to arrange meetings with others if He was not okay with it. This settled my mind.

While talking about this, we also talked about how to get in contact with other people. When I just started out on Twitter, I flirted with others quite a lot and with some of the people it clicked so well that we even spoke about meeting in real life. Of course, some of them were just too far away to make an appointment with, and with others who lived in the Netherlands, we just needed to find a date when we could meet. However, two people really treated me like shit, after I have confided in them. The first was something far from here and she really hurt me, but I guess I hurt her too. It always takes two to tango, right? However, the other person – living in the Netherlands – said things to me and up to today I have no idea what caused her to say it. I thought everything was going so well and was already considered her a friend. We were about to arrange to meet. I cried for a day after receiving her mail and just broke off all contact. I immediately stopped making any kind of attempts to meet other people. Now, that is about to change… Master T will always keep a watchful eye and He will have the final decision, but I will slowly be opening up again instead of just flirting and then backing off when someone shows too much interest in me.

Combined with this, we decided to be a bit ‘easier’ in our thinking. We want to go to the UK to meet up with some of the lovely people we have met at Eroticon 2013. We want to spend time with them, get to know them better, share experiences with them, etc. However, we also have a teen that loves London and we cannot tell her no every time we go there. An idea we are playing with is to take her with us, have her meet up there with someone of her age and let them spend time together, then we can spend time together with our kinky friends. Not necessarily for kinky time. It’s not about kinky play – it’s about being able to talk freely and maybe doing some kinky shopping at the London Alternative Market. Being ‘easier’ in our thinking means it will be ‘easier’ to get to London. And of course… we do not have to take the teen with us to London every time we want to go there!

The day I started talking to Master T about these things, was the same day my post ‘Restless‘ was on my site. Molly left a comment that made a light go on in my head:

Sometimes I will just push his buttons to try to get a reaction but I am getting much better at just asking for what I need. It makes him smile when I ask for something directly but then sometimes button pushing works…

I can ask? Of course I can ask!

When did I forget that? No idea.

Have Master T ever told me I am not allowed to ask? No, never.

Will He always say yes when I ask? No, of course not. In the end everything is still His decision.

Am I able to ask? Now that might be a problem. I find it very difficult to ask, to express what I want, as said in the beginning of this rambling post. But, I see it as a task, a shifting of my boundaries. For my own sanity I will have to learn to ask for things that I need. It won’t be easy, but I will try it. I also know I won’t always get a yes, that sometimes Master T will have to think about something or would postpone it to a later moment. I have however asked Master T not to tell me that we will do it “this weekend” or “next week” and then not act on it, as I take Him on His word and do not think I will be able to ask for a second time without being a terrible brat and then I would not be able to enjoy whatever it is I wanted, because I would feel like I have forced it on Him. Yes, I know, I can be a very complicated person.

All in all these conversations we had over the course of several days have started a new phase. An exciting phase. Who knows what will be down the line for us. Once again I can look at the tattoo on my leg with pride, knowing I belong to Master T, knowing I am His. Yes, in those times of dark thoughts and where I come to wrong conclusions, I do not look at my tattoo much. It is a symbol of my submission, but more so a symbol of Master T’s control and when I do not feel the control, I cannot look at the tattoo without those dark thoughts becoming pitch black. Now that all of this has been sorted out in my mind and I have written it all down to look back on when I feel the restlessness starting again, I can go ahead and continue to plan the new tattoo I will have done before the end of this year. The new tattoo will also have elements of Master T’s control and ownership in it. I would not have been able to design it, let alone have it done, if these issues have not been cleared in my mind.

I know there will be moments in which I will doubt myself again, but then I will talk to Master T and let Him sooth my doubts. I am looking at the future with bright eyes and excited anticipation.

© Rebel’s Notes