More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (1/3)

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bdsm-emblemSome recent posts I have written on my thoughts and feelings have lead to a series of conversations between Master T and me. It was time for me to talk. Not just mention it, but really talk. For too long I have bottled up my feelings and even though Master T did not do it on purpose, maybe it was a good thing that He almost ignored my restlessness and forced me to speak up about my feelings. You see, I have this block in me where I just cannot talk about the things I really want or things that bother me, and as all of you know one of the most important pillars of a BDSM relationship (or any relationship in my opinion) is communication. So how could I expect of Master T to understand how I felt if I did not communicate with Him? Okay, truth is Master T knows me better than I know myself and frequently when I need something, He knows it even before I know it.

Why can’t I talk about things?
Because I am afraid of sounding like a bore or to come over as being ungrateful for what I have. Maybe most importantly, I do not want to make a fool of myself. Now I know, the first thing you might ask is why on earth I think I will make a fool of myself? My answer will be: I have no idea!

This time however I came to a point where I expressed how I felt. There were no tears, only talking. And I did not feel like I made a fool of myself, because Master T listened to me. He understood me. He treated me with respect, like He always does. And He thanked me for expressing my feelings. In hindsight, I knew He would listen to me, would understand and would treat me with respect. But I never expected Him to thank me for expressing my feelings. That brought tears to my eyes.

Once I have started talking, I just kept going. I told Master T that I miss the power exchange between us. Yes, it was still there every day, like me wearing my day collar and sleeping with my night collar, wearing my charms and not crossing my legs when I wear skirts or dresses, which is almost every day. Oh and don’t forget the shaving. But I told Him that I missed it, that I am always afraid that He might want out. He has told me numerous times in the past that I should never be afraid that it would disappear, as it has always been there from the very beginning. It will always be part of our relationship. However, it will never be the core of our relationship. The core is our love for each other, our marriage. And D/s is something that enriches the core, not something that defines us.

I addressed a lot of issues in that first talk and all of those issued had to be discussed again when I was calmer and could better organize my thoughts. Once I had opened the lid and let some of it out, the rest wanted to come out too, but at a different pace. To help me organize my thoughts, I took the time to write things down and I came up with a couple of questions I wanted to ask Master T. I had a couple of things I needed clear answers on, as those would settle my mind. Over the course of four days Master T and I discussed a lot. So many things became clearer and there are things that are about to change. However, there are also a lot of things that will stay the same, as there is nothing wrong about them. The conversations we had and me expressing my thoughts was not about something that was wrong. I think it was more about my need that developed and deepened.

It’s as if we are starting a new phase now, but this phase is not about us moving away from what we are and what we have, but it’s a phase that will enrich what we already have.

To be continued… More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (2/3)

© Rebel’s Notes

7 thoughts on “More BDSM mindset musings… please let me ramble… (1/3)

  1. I think this issue will always come up for any couple whose marriage comes before anything else. Daddy and I periodically struggle with our roles – not because those roles ever really go away (because like you, we have always been what we are – even before we named it or began defining it) – but because daily life sort of overpowers them. We are currently going through it. That need to reinstate and restructure. Mostly, when I really begin to feel stressed or lost or out of control, I crave much more strict discipline. I totally get your unwillingness to talk about your needs, too. Which is silly, because a good Dominant listens and responds.

    • I am so happy that someone could relate to all I have written. It’s not like I don’t want to talk, but I seem to not be able to talk. My Husband always listens when I talk. I should do it more. Our talk definitely helped and I hope I do not go back into the mode of not talking.

    • I have to be brave enough more frequently. He’s always willing to listen. It’s me that has a problem with just saying what I need.

  2. so glad you were able to speak…i too struggle and the Domly one usually waits until I find my voice. I hope the future brings you both as much joy as the past has. Given the depth of your relationship, I am pretty sure it will

    • Me being able to speak, to bring out what was ‘bothering’ me has strengthen our relationship once more, which is absolutely lovely.

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