I need my sadist!

Last week I posted about feeling restless. In the same time of writing that post, I re-read a post on the blog of Stella Kiink and there was a piece of text that instantly locked itself into my mind and haven’t been out of it since:

… tell him to stop being so overly forgiving, overly considerate, and get back to being his sadist self. She wants him to play with her, to use her, to make her his little whore. She needs him to. She just needs him.

Even though in the meantime I have had several talks with Master T and I am not feeling restless anymore, I wanted to put my thoughts out there. If I feel restless again in future, I will look back on these (and dome future) posts and be able to get away from the dark thoughts that form in  my mind once I start to feel restless.

But back to the quote…

There were so many things in this quote that hit home for me. Master T can be overly forgiving and overly considerate. Sometimes, on purpose, I did things I knew I should not have done, like not following rules I knew I should. He sometimes asked me why I did something or did not do something and then, when I give Him an excuse for my behavior, He just accepted it. I did the things I did or did not do the things I knew I should have done, because I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to be less forgiving, less considerate. I wanted Him to punish me for things I have done wrong, even IF he understands why I have done it. I needed Him to do this. My entire being screamed for Him to do it.

For quite some time I had been intensely longing for His sadist side to return. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like nothing at all has been happening. If that was the case, I would have been totally crazy by now. No, on good days Master T took charge, but mainly His energy went out to waiting for His leg to heal. I totally understood and accepted this and have made an incredible, almost super-human effort to be patient. I focused entirely on His well-being, on positive things happening with us and around us. I was thankful for what He gave me, knowing more would follow when the time was right again. I succeeded in all this, but the healing process has taken months and even though I was still being patient, at the same time I was starting to notice the unrest in me.

I never liked the unrest as it always brought dark and ugly thoughts with it. Those dark thoughts told me things I knew were not true, but no matter how hard I tried to push it away, I could not. The only one who could do something about it, was Master T. And He did. It calmed me down and then the process started all over again.

konachan - bondage & gag1I am not complaining, very far from that…

It’s not like I got no attention at all from Master T. It just… well… just that… I needed more. I needed Him to get back to being my sadist. I needed Him to play with me, to use me, to abuse me, to make me His little whore. I needed it to be like it was before His leg started playing up. I needed it to be like before we realized that the kids were hearing all our noises and we would have to keep it down. I just needed Him…

I needed Him to take control again. I needed Him to inflict pain on my body and then make sweet love to me. I needed Him to give me tasks to keep my mind constantly occupied with His dominance. I needed Him to punish me when I was being a brat. I needed not only to know that I am His property, but I needed to feel His constant physical reminders.

I just cannot be without it, as it makes me feel empty. Lost. Adrift.

I will always need Him to keep those dark thoughts at bay.

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #dark thoughts.
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