Kinky Assumptions

We were preparing for an important meeting for the next day. The meeting was going to be lead my one of my trusted colleagues and myself. Part of it was for us to introduce ourselves the way we are, in other words, to  just be ourselves. The partakers in the meeting needed to get a clear impression of who we are and what they could expect from us during a normal working day.

“You should dress for the occasion,” a third colleague joked, knowing full well that our colleague always dresses in denims and T-shirts.
“Ha, definitely not!” our colleague answered.
Then the two of them looked at me.
“We want to give them a clear impression of who we are, so you better put on some of your kinky leather clothes,” one of them said.
“Sorry, girls,” I said, “but that’s just not my thing.”

They know that I am in a D/s relationship – it’s wonderful that my colleagues accept this and that there’s absolutely no judging from their side! However, at that moment both of them were looking at me and it was clear that they were thinking I was telling a lie.
“Nope,” I said again, I don’t own one piece of leather clothing. That’s just not my thing.”

That conversation made me think. People are quite easy to assume they know exactly what you do the moment they learn something new about you. In this case I have admitted to them that I am in a D/s relationship, that we play with ropes and whips and they know about my website. They don’t have the URL, but they know that I write about sex. Apparently after I have confided in them, instead of continuing to ask me more questions, they have made their own assumptions of some aspects of my life. One of those was that I parade around in leather clothing, because we are in a D/s relationship.

assumeWhy do people make assumptions?

In my case, is it that even though I have been honest in answering the questions of my colleagues, they do not dare to ask me anything else about our lifestyle? Maybe this is the case with many things that lead towards misunderstandings: people assume they know what others are doing/seeing/thinking and then they act on their own assumptions. Sometimes those who are making the assumptions even get angry with others for something they have assumed that the others had done/said/thought.  Wouldn’t it be better to just ask and get the facts straight?

How do people come to the assumptions they make?
Looking at my own situation again: I told my colleagues about our lifestyle because they asked about it. I only answered their questions and did not volunteer any other information. They could have asked me a million questions more if they wanted to, but instead of doing that, they started to make their own assumptions, which lead to the misconception of me running around in leather or latex. It would have been better for them to ask more questions, right? Maybe they did not because they noticed that I only answered their questions and nothing more and maybe because of that they might have thought that I don’t want to tell them more. Where on my side I thought I did not want to burden them with information they did not want, so I waited for them to ask. And what happened? The perfect recipe for assumptions leading to misconceptions.

Am I guilty of making assumptions? Yes, I am. I ask people questions, but when the way they answer or their body language tell me they do not want to answer any questions, I stop. I don’t want people to think I am prying into their lives. Sometimes, even when people seem to openly answer questions, I stop prematurely with asking them anything, because I don’t want to have them think I am a nosy bitch. Using the partial information I have to make my own assumptions, I have frequently came to misconceptions about people. I too should learn not to just assume things, but rather to ask and make sure I have my facts right.

Sometimes our assumptions about others come from our own knowledge about a subject. Take for instance the BDSM world. If you are just embarking on your journey into BDSM, are you doing things your way or do you think you should so it the same as others do? Do you think that all BDSM relationships are exactly the same and everyone has the same rules? Or do you understand that we are all different, and all doing it our own way? What about submissives… do you think that all of them love, want and get pain? Or do you understand that some of them have no pain at all in their relationships? Do you think that every BDSM relationship involves bondage? Or needles? Or impact play? Or humiliation? Thinking about your own situation it’s easy to assume that someone else in the same situation has exactly the same way of doing the things that you do. But of course it’s important to understand that there are far more differences between two seemingly similar relationships than there are similarities. No two relationships are the same, whether kinky or not.

To get back to what my colleagues said to me. Yes, they have read 50 Shades. Yes, they have been around long enough to have seen kinky photos of people dressed in leather and latex and hanging in chains from the ceiling. Apparently, because they know I am in a kinky relationship that involves BDSM, they have assumed that I must be running around in leather or latex and probably also that I frequently hang in chains. Telling them that this is not the case had them look at me as if I was lying. Eventually they believed me when I said I do not own any leather clothing and prefer to be naked. I figured I have busted a myth there!

I do not volunteer information about our relationship, but I do prefer people to ask questions instead of making assumptions.

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #assume
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