Why is it so difficult to just submit to His will. To just let go of all that fighting in my head. To just accept the pain He inflicts on me. To just do what He says without hesitation, without questioning. Why is it easier to submit to someone else than it is to submit to Him?
I was tied to the St. Andrew’s Cross and fighting. At first I fought the spanking Master T gave me. Then I fought the flogger, the whip, the dragon tail. My body fought every smack or lash that Master T inflicted on my bottom. My mind fought Him. He could see the fighting of my body, the reactions to the lashes of the whip. He could not see the debate I had in my head. I tried to push the words away. I wanted to submit to Him, to accept the pain, to find that special place inside me where I become one with the pain, one with the swinging of His arm. The place where I felt pain but did not feel pain. Subspace.
The times that Master R handled the whip I fought too. My body fought. My mind was peaceful and once even I have entered subspace deeper than I ever had before. I wanted to have this with Master T too. Why then did my mind try to direct Him into how He should handle the whip? Why could my mind not accept Master T’s rhythm of swinging, the forces of the impacts when He spanks me, the different timing in pauses? Why is it a bigger effort for my mind to submit to Master T than to Master R? Why do I have this feeling that I want to direct Master T in what He should do, while at the same time I have this feeling that I want nothing more than just submit to Him. I wondered whether this reaction of my mind was because Master T is an easy-going person and we are mostly in agreement about everything. But why, at that moment, did my mind forget that He is also a sadist who loves to submit me to His will?
Later on that same evening, Master T used the whip on me again. Again both my body and my mind fought hard. With my mind not able to find peace, it was as if the whipping was much more painful. Because I could not stop the fighting in my head, I got angry with myself, which took my mind further away from really enjoying.
During the spanking and the whipping that night, I could not get my mind to stop whirling the thoughts around in my head. Why? I discussed this with Master T several days after the play date. He had the perfect explanation for it. According to Him, the reason I fight Him more than I do Master R is because I don’t know Master R as well as I know Master T. I feel more comfortable with Master T. Just like a child is much better behaved when they visit other people and can be terribly naughty when in the same situation at home, I tend to fight Master T more than I should.
It is not that I feel uncomfortable with Master R. Oh, no totally the opposite. I feel very at ease with Him and Dena. But I think Master T is right too.I don’t know what Master R will do when I misbehave and because I don’t know, I always behave. I accept whatever He does, which means my mind is ease and I channel the pain in a different way. I mostly know just how far I can go with Master T, which means I sometimes fight Him more than is good for me.
I don’t like fighting Master T. I don’t like that I cannot submit to Him the way that I want. I don’t like that this part of my submission is so difficult. I want nothing more than to stop fighting Him. Now that I am aware where the fighting comes from, I think I can work towards the point where I stop fighting, where I find peace in my head. My mind will settle and submit, my body will fight. The fighting of my body will stop when my mind takes over and then Master T will be able to bring me to subspace and get me back again. I want to submit 100% with my body and my mind. I want to be aware only of Him, no matter how many people are around us.
I know I can do this.
© Rebel’s Notes