Processing pain & disappointment

On the night that Master T tried out the two new sets of clamps He had bought from Stockroom, I went through intense pain. So much so, that we had to stop as the pain was just too much.

DSC_4324aMaster T had put the KinkLab Mandible Body Clamps on me and ha adjust the screws so I could feel a light bite from the clamps. At that moment it hurt a lot, a lot more than it would probably have hurt if I was not right in the middle of some hormonal changes that have everything to do with the menopause. Since I don’t have a uterus anymore, I only notice the changes in my breasts and especially my nipples. My nipples frequently are very sensitive to the touch, so much so that if I only accidentally brush pass them while clothed, they hurt. While they hurt like this, they seem to be hard all the time. Sometimes my nipples return to normal after a week and sometimes only after two weeks. And sometimes they stay normal for several weeks before they hurt again; other times they hurt again after only a week.

I always warn Master T when my nipples hurt like this and normally I also get permission not to wear my nipple charms. The evening He wanted to try the new toys, I had a choice. Since I knew I would otherwise have to wait to see the toys, I said we could go ahead. My nipples were still sensitive and I thought I would be able to handle it. So on came the KinkLab Mandible Body Clamps. I could breath the pain away, as long as Master T did not move the clamps. Each time He touched the clamps or my nipples, I moaned loudly. Then He put the Extreme Talon Nipple Clamps on me. I thought I was going to die. It hurt so much. Sharp pains constantly shot through my nipples. Not knowing what was causing the pain made it even more difficult to be able to breathe through it. I tried very hard to breathe through the pain, but I could not. I sobbed. Intensely. I heard the camera click. I felt His hands on the clamps, moving it around and sobbed louder. I tried to calm myself, but I could not. A light panic exploded in my head. I was close to saying my safeword when He spoke.

DSC_4328a“Do you want to stop?” He asked.

I nodded.

The clamps came off. The intense pain changed to a dull ache. Relief should have set in, but it did not. Over and over I chanted in my head:

I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed.

I knew I did not, but I could not stop repeating those words. I felt like I failed. Like I have disappointed Him. I should have been able to breathe through the pain. To handle the pain. To submit to His will. In the back of my mind I knew very well that the time was just not right to try the clamps – that I had to give my nipples the time to feel better again. Still, I felt incredibly disappointed in myself. You should have been able to handle it, I told myself.

“When your nipples are better, we will try again,” Master T said as He softly stroke my cheek. I nodded.
“You had a choice,” He reminded me.
“I know,” I whispered through my tears. The sobbing has stopped almost completely. His hand was now softly covering my left breast, not touching my nipple. It was quiet for a while and then I spoke again.
“I knew I would have to wait to see the toys unless we try them tonight.”
“Correct, your curiosity go the better of you” He said.
I nodded again.

Mixed feelings took hold of me. Yes, I knew I had been far to curious to even consider my painful nipples and think about waiting until they were feeling better. I knew I should have been patient. He gave me a choice. I should have told Him that we should wait. I should have contained my excitement about the new toys and should have waited a couple of days until we could try them. I was disappointed in myself for not having the patience and I was disappointed in myself for stopping Him. His voice interrupted the downward spiral of my thoughts.

“Shall I untie you or do you want to try the other toy?”
I knew He would not touch my nipples again, and really, I was curious to know what else He had bought. I told Him I wanted to try the other toy.

That’s when I felt the pressure against my pussy and the cold steel of the speculum slowly sliding in.

© Rebel’s Notes

4 thoughts on “Processing pain & disappointment

  1. I couldn’t handle nipple clamps. I’m way too sensitive, but I totally get your feelings of failure. Daddy is far too understanding sometimes, which almost intensifies my fear of disappointing him. I also understand the curiosity. 3 boxes are sitting by the door. In them are things Daddy has ordered for me. He won’t tell me what they are, and I don’t get to find out until this weekend. It’s killing me.

    • I think you have said it: because He is far too understanding, it intensifies my fear of disappointing. For me, at the same time it means I will challenge Him even more, because He is so understanding after all. Sort of a catch 22 situation.

  2. Mia says:

    Menopause is a bitch isn’t it!!! I am going through it also but, fortunately, not affecting my nipples too much (although they do have their days)!

    You have learnt a lesson here I think and one that you will probably not forget even when there is no menopause to remind you!!

    Take care and always listen to your body – it knows what it wants/need and when it is right….

    ~Mia~ xx

    • Yep, menopause sucks big time!

      I really have to learn to listen to my body. I ignore it on too many occasions.

      Rebel xox

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