Submissive Discussions

In January of this year I did a post on the different kinds of submissives that I have met online. One of the comments on that post was the left by a submissive man. Since this comment really invited discussion, I wanted to repeat it in a blog post:

Dear Rebel & other Ladies,

Maybe it’s a bit risky to join this ladies’ discussion, me being a (submissive) male, but I’ll venture it. Rebel’s blog about different types of submissives triggered me, because it appealed to a subject I’m thinking of for quite a long time: who is really in charge? If you analyze it until rock bottom: who’s really the boss?

I find it very meaningful that Rebel states that all of the women she mentions are STRONG women. Pro’s in their work, well-articulated in their blogs, smart, kind, tender & respectful. In my opinion that’s the profile of a real leader, a people’s manager, a nice boss. Or, in good American slang, a Mensch.

I certainly am very happy being like that myself (at least: that’s what I hear from my friends) : kind & caring, making sure that my company is happy & satisfied, being a respectful & witty host, and make people feel that they are in charge. But… as it gets to it: I’m the one who sets the rules and I’m sure that I get what I want.

I guess submissiveness is often equaled to weakness, but is that really so? Is the puppeteer steering the puppet, or is the puppet moving the arms of the puppeteer, or is it both happening at the same time? Maybe it’s bullshit what I just wrote and maybe I’m just not experienced enough in bdsm practice, but nevertheless I’m wondering.

I think in reality – and especially in daily bdsm-life – it’s not a one dimensional story. Not: me boss, you slave! But far more a subtle and ever changing play in which the ‘leadership’ switches continuously. Am I making sense or is this total and utterly bullshit?

Kind regards, Kinquie

Slide from Molly’s Myth Busting session at Eroticon 2013 – a word cloud of words describing what submission means to different submissives
(click to enlarge)

In Molly’s Myth Busting session at Eroticon 2013 several myths about submissive women came to discussion. As Molly said, these myths can also apply to submissive males, so for this post I will just speak about submissives. The first myth that was busted was that submissives are weak. We certainly are not. We are strong people that know what we want from life. Many of us are leaders in our professional lives. Some of us run departments or are in high positions in the organizations where we work. Yet, we identify as submissive. Why? Speaking only for myself: I work hard and make several decisions every day. I am always in control and feel that I always have to be. I have been a single parent for many years, which meant that all decisions had to be made by me. Even though I have been and am able to take control in every aspect of my life, I have never been able to set the pace in a sexual relationship. I very rarely take initiative. If I seem to be taking the lead, it’s only because at that moment I am doing what I think the one I am with wants me to do. Believe me, this had gotten me in awkward situations at times!

It is only with Master T that I have dared to say what I desire. With Him I have started to get to know myself, my real wants, needs and desires. We grew to the point where I gave Him control over me and my body. He knows what I want, He knows what I need and He is giving it to me, but He decides in what amounts and when and how. So am I the puppet steering His arms or is He the puppeteer holding the strings and allowing me to dance to His tune, set within my limits? I think that Kinquie has hit the nail on the head – both is happening. There is a dynamic between Dom and sub. The Dom cannot just do what he desires without knowing what the sub’s desires and limits are. This comes down to something that Molly has emphasized in her session at Eroticon: communication. This word came up again in the session that she did together with her husband: BDSM: Tools of the trade. Communication is very important and no Dom should ever play with a sub without them having spoken about either one’s desires and limits. Which means that the submissive definitely has a say in what will happen.

Did Kinquie’s comment make sense to you too? Do you have another opinion or do you have something to add? Please do….

© Rebel’s Notes

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