Masochist

I’ve had this question of the Submissive Guide in my ‘to do’ list for quite some time. I think only now I can really give a proper answer to this.

If you are masochist, how do you process pain? Are you the silent type? Screamer? Crier? Is this what is expected of you? How does your partner prefer you to process pain?

Why can I only answer this now? I don’t know. The time just felt right to answer this. It might be because of what happened during our fourth playdate with Master R and Dena. That evening I went deeper into subspace than I have ever been before. And I loved it. I kind of zoned out. I was in the room but I was not. Where only moments before I had been trying to get away from the flogger and the whip, something changed and I just stood still while the strikes landed on my bottom and legs. I felt it, but I did not feel it. I knew it hurt just as bad as before, but it was as if I could not feel the pain anymore. Of course I know that this was because of the endorphins being released in my system, but still the feeling amazed me. In a way it might be dangerous to feel like this. For me that is. Because for days after that evening, I craved to feel it again. The craving has stopped and changed into a longing which I know will be fulfilled over and over again.

So, to get to the questions of this prompt…

… how do i process pain?
I fight it. I keep on fighting it for some time. I come to a point that I feel I am not able to handle it anymore. That is the point where I surrender. Where I stop fighting. That is the point where I enter subspace and where I am one with the pain.

… am I the silent type? Screamer? Crier?
I am not the silent type, but not a screamer either. I moan and grunt and sigh and say ‘no’ and ‘stop’ and shake my head. I fight the pain. I might cry. Sob. Or I might go quiet and just accept the pain. I don’t know when I am going to cry or when I am going to be silent. I don’t think anyone can predict beforehand how he or she would react as it depends on different circumstances.

… Is this what is expected of me?
It is expected of me to accept whatever He is doing to me (within our limits of course). Master T does not dictate how I should react.

… How does Master T prefer me to process pain?
He does not dictate HOW I should process pain. He expects of me to process the pain as pain is what I want. What I need. Because yes, I am a masochist.

(click to enlarge)

This post links in with the Wicked Wednesday prompt of this week: BDSM. What elements of this acronym applies to me?

Bondage: yes please. I love the feeling of rope around my body. I am claustrophobic but have absolutely no problem with being restrained. The ropes around my body give me a sense of security. They comfort me.

Discipline: yes please. I need discipline. I love my rules. I love to be disciplined when I do not follow my rules. If I would not be disciplined, I would be very disappointed. Being disciplined and having to follow rules make me feel safe. I can let go of all control and let Master T decide what I should do and how I should do it.

Dominance & submission: I think the roles of our relationship is quite clear.

Sadism and masochism: I have already said that I am a masochist and yes, Master T is a sadist.

Except for the dominant and sub roles there’s also something like a switch. Neither Master T nor me switch our roles. I cannot imagine Him ever being a sub and I cannot imagine myself ever dominating anyone.

We are happy just the way we are.

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #BDSM
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