Confused? Definitely not!

On several occasions before our third date I saw some tweets about polygamy and polyamory. During our third dateย with Master R and Dena a lot happened. Not only Dena and I engaged in sex. I enjoyed every minute of the evening and just allowed things to happen. I knew what was expected of me, I felt loved and safe. Whenย some time after our date the word monogamy popped up somewhere, I remembered the tweets and posts about polygamy and polyamory.

I bet that all of us have those moments that when you read or see something, you make the comparison with what you have in your own life, or what you have experienced. Like for instance, when someone is telling about a visit to the dentist and about something remarkable they experienced there, you tend to think about your own experiences. Or, something I have witnessed so many times before: when one woman talks about a pregnancy, suddenly all women in the same room want to tell their pregnancy stories too! I think it’s a natural thing to compare what you have experienced to something you hear or read or see.

You see, thinking about the relationship Master T and I have, I wondered where we would ‘fit in’. But before I go on, let me just say this: I am not doing this post because I feel the need for a label. There is no label that would fit me, because there is no label big enough to carry all the words that describe me. I am doing this post because I am thinking out loud and would love for people to react, to give me their views and maybe for me to learn something new.

Okay, back to thinking about our relationship. We are married and in that we have always been monogamous. Yet, we fantasized about sex with others. No wait, we fantasized about me having sex with others while Master T was in the same room, either watching or engaging in having sex with me at the same time as another has sex with me. So does this then make Master T monogamous and then I am not monogamous because I am having sex with others? But I am having sex with others because Master T expects that of me? That is part of my submission, so then I am back to being monogamous, but submissive. Right?

Okay, so now comes the next part: Master T wants to engage in sex with others too. In fact, He already did when Dena sucked His cock. So now He is not monogamous anymore. Does this make us polyamoric or should we call ourselves swingers? Doesn’t polyamory imply that love should be involved or is having feelings of fondness for a sexual partner enough? I for sure would not be able to engage in sexual acts with someone who I do not have feelings of fondness for.

Back to the point… are we still monogamous? I found two definitions that apply to monogamy:

  • the state or custom of being married to one person at a time
  • the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

Yes we are monogamous if you look only at the first definition, but no we are not monogamous anymore if you look at the second.

We are not polygamous either, as that is the practice of being married to more than one partner. What about polyamoric? According to Wikipediaย that is when participants have multiple romantic partners As said above, I do have to have feelings of fondness for whoever I engage with sexually, but I don’t have to be ‘in love’ with them. So no, I don’t think we identify as being polyamoric either. Do we have an open marriage? Yes and no. Yes, because we both (want to) have sex with others and no, because when we have sex with others, Master T and I are always in the same room. No appointments are made for sex without including the other in the appointment too. Looking at the list on the above-mentioned Wikipedia link, I ask myself: do we engage in group sex? I would love to, but do not think what we had up to now can be described as that. Did we swing? No, I don’t think so either, because the purpose of our meetings is not to swap partners.

LabelsSo what label should we put on ourselves, on our relationship? I actually asked Master T exactly the same after telling Him all of my thoughts above. Both Him and I had exactly the same answer:

No label at all!

We have what we have. We are who we are. We enjoy what we do. We love our life, love that we can explore all of this together, love that we can experience this together and talk about our experiences without feelings of jealousy or any negative kind of feelings. And we love that we can share this with like-minded people such as Master R and Dena. Of course we would love to share it with more people and we both believe that the time will come when we will meet more like-minded people (in real life) and engage in sexy fun with them too.

I am definitely not confused about the kind of relationship that we have. The definitions of the different kinds of relationships that are described in literature can be quite confusing to some, but not to us. We are all of that and at the same time, none of it. We are us. We are kinky. And we love it!

ยฉ Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #confusion
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Wicked Wednesday

20 thoughts on “Confused? Definitely not!

  1. Beautiful is the only label I’d put to you and your relationship. The strong love, bond, trust, and enjoyment you and Master T have of and with each other fits no labels, and even beautiful is not a deep, vibrant enough word to describe it. I think you guys are wonderful!

  2. Oh, my, yes…I covered a similar topic in my WW post. As humans, I think we naturally categorize the world around us in order to make sense of what we see and to understand our selves and our environments. Because of that, we place labels where they may not really be necessary, and can unintentionally lock ourselves into a place or status we didn’t really intend. Mr. LL and I don’t call ourselves swingers, though we swing. We don’t call ourselves fetishists, though we have plenty of them. We call ourselves happily married. But…there is a place for labels. Usually, I think it is only important to explore the labels when we are trying to figure out our options and possibilities. Then, we can determine our own recipe. I totally agree with you.

    • Thank you for your comment, which I totally agree with. Sometimes labels are needed, until we figure things out and then determine our own ways. I loved your post too! Really good write ๐Ÿ™‚

      Rebel xox

  3. Kinky’s the best way to put it!! I hate labels; they really tend to box you in as applied by others who have strict definitions of the words.
    Loosely, I consider myself monogamous to Sir as He is the only one I am having physical relations with, yet I am married to another (and so is He). I also have several online-only relationships, but don’t consider those a conflict and neither do those partners. In the end, it all works out ๐Ÿ™‚

    ~Kazi xxx

    • As long as everything works out in the end and you are happy with your life and what you do, it’s good. I know for sure I am happy with my life and living it to its fullest ๐Ÿ™‚ xox

  4. I am sure I cannot add anything to the ‘to label or not’ question above what anyone else has eloquently said.

    So, all I’ll say is, reading this left me feeling warm. Warm, that now I’ve met you, I can hear you whilst reading & warm because chuck away the notion of any labels and what do you have? A beautiful life, a beautiful love with two pairs of outstretched arms to welcome wonderful new experiences with people that you connect with.

    We have one life. Live it. And you do, spectacularly so.

    Pea ~x~

    • Oh Pea, you are wonderful with words and say such beautiful things. Yes, I will remember that we have one life and I should just keep on living it. I love my life with Master T. It’s so exciting and I think I will have many more experiences in future, all thanks to Him ๐Ÿ™‚

      Rebel xox

  5. Some times we need labels to work out who or what we are. They can be helpful and make us feel secure. Other times they can hinder us. I have seen you and Master T, you guys don’t need labels, you are wonderful together in what ever guise you choose.

    Rachel x

    • Aww thanks so very much luv. I think the label that fits us the best, if we really want a label is: we are who we are ๐Ÿ™‚

      Rebel xox

  6. The more I read others thoughts and experiences the more labels don’t seem to fit most of us. If you want one perhaps something like selectively non-monogamous might be fun. If nothing else it could be a great conversation starter.

    As for myself I think I’m going to use the label Pseudo Poly Semi Monogamous Openly Kinky from now on which sums up my lifestyle perfectly.

  7. Ummm… hang on a minute, did I write this or did you. Replace the names with mine and Sir and this is EXACTLY us. We have come to the conclusion that we are ‘negotiated openly monogamous’ hahahaaaaaaaaa or on otherwise open to ‘seeing what happens’. As I have said before labels can be actually be quite limiting and the key to making them work is defining them for you and not letting the labels define you and what you do.

    Mollyxxx

    • Your comment has put a HUGE smile on my face. I know exactly what you mean… so many times I read your words and wonder if I might have written it in my sleep ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I like your view on it: open to ‘seeing what happens’… that seems like a great way to look at you guys and us opening up our marriages to let others in.

      Exciting!

      Kisses, Rebel xox

  8. Nice post! I agree with Mina and you in that labels aren’t important in many ways, and I am happy for you both that you are open to changes in your life. ๐Ÿ™‚ People always want to impose labels on people so it helps them make judgments and assumptions about them. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and enjoying the new experiences and discoveries you make along the way. <3

    • You are right about the labels part. People like to put labels on us, but I just won’t let them. I don’t want to be labeled at all. So yes, we will just enjoy what we are doing and have a lot of nice experiences and discoveries ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thanks for your comment, sweets! xox

  9. Personally, I would just say you are in an open marriage, as in you are open to opportunities that arise. I’m not sure why you think it is not an open marriage because you and Master T are always together when you explore other people sexually. That’s how my husband and I were in the beginning. We opened our relationship to other people into our bedroom. That is still being open.

    Sometimes I don’t like calling myself polyamorous, because then it is assumed love must be involved and it really doesn’t need to be. I am open. Open to whatever life brings me and whatever connections I make with people. I don’t have to be in love, I don’t have to be in a relationship. Am I open to being in love and in a relationship? Oh yes, very much. In fact I would adore that, but, I’m not closing the door on experiences with other people just because they don’t want to be in love or in a relationship.

    But you really are right to not put a label on yourselves, you are free and open to do with your life and marriage as you please. What matters is that you are both happy in the way you do things. Like d/s, the world of non-monogamy has many different facets. Not one way is THE way.

    • Thanks for the words on it being an open marriage even though I thought it’s not. You’re right, we have opened it up. I just did not think about it in that way.

      I don’t think there is one way for any kind of relationship, whether it’s between (vanilla) husband and wife, between mom and child, father and child, grandparents and grandchildren or whatever. Each of us are individuals and in my opinion therefore all relationships will always differ from each other, even when similar.

      Thanks for your comment, Mina! xox

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