Caning: To count or not to count

There were no signs to warn me that anything was about to happen. Normally I ‘sense’ it. This time I did not. When I walked into the bedroom, my focus was on Master T. It was only when I turned away from Him that I saw the cane and the collar on the bed.

collar&cane

“You will count back from twenty,” He said, “twenty for each buttock.”
I winced and counted. Loving it and hating it at the same time. I loved that He unexpectedly used the cane. I hated that I had to count. I loved that I could feel the pain He inflicted on me. I hate that I could not lose myself in the pain. The same happened when He told me to turn around so He could hit my breasts. I had to count back from 20 again. I wanted to find that peaceful place inside me, to endure the pain, to feel it, to love it, to ride the wave of hurt. But I could not. By the time He used the whip on my ass and breasts, I was a crying mess. I did not have to count anymore, but I could not calm myself down either. He took me in His arms afterward, hugged me, kissed me, held me. I calmed down. Before I fell asleep in His arms I told Him that the counting made it difficult.

The next morning I thought a lot about the night before. Why did I cry so much? Why could I not find peace within myself? Why could I not focus? The crying had a cleansing effect, relieving me of some work stress I felt in the preceding week. Thinking it all through, trying to analyze it, I realized that I did not focus. No, that’s not entirely true. I did focus. I focused on the counting. I had to focus on the counting as I did not want to lose count. I could not focus on finding that peaceful place inside me and to just let the caning happen and absorb the pain. Because I focused on the counting, the pain felt almost unbearable.

I guess there is some kind of psychological effect in play too. I have experienced spankings and whippings and canings with and without counting. It did not happen every time, but there were times that I felt one with the pain. That I could keep calm and focus. All of the times that I have managed to just let it happen, to absorb the pain, I did not have to count. It almost feels as if I am being punished when I have to count. This might go back as far as my childhood. As I said in my post yesterday, I grew up with corporal punishment in school and at home. In school, before we were punished, we were told how many lashes we would get. Deep in the back of my mind that must still have some effect. It might just be the reason why I feel like I am being punished when I have to count the lashes. I know this is something I have to work on, because I have to count when Master T tells me to. His words: you do not count because you are being punished, you count because I want you to.

I might be totally wrong about the psychological side of it feeling like punishment when I have to count. There might be other factors at play here. Maybe, even if I did not have to count, I might not have been able to find peace within myself. Maybe if Master T had tied me up and then told me to count when he used the cane, it might have been better. Or maybe even that would not have helped. Maybe I was fighting it too much and therefore the pain felt worse? Maybe my mindset was just not what it should have been? Maybe Master T should use the cane and the whip on me more than He does now? And maybe I should not be analyzing this at all!

All I know is that I hate the counting as it feels like I am being punished. This is something I have to work on.

How do you feel about it?

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #peace
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16 thoughts on “Caning: To count or not to count

  1. counting might be some kind of trigger from those early years. I would have to think maybe if you were bound in some way it would allow you to shift in your mind from punishment to pleasure. But also for him it come down to the part where he is trying to help you get past the blocks and hangups, thus setting you free to grow even more.
    No easy answer to anything like this.
    Thank you for sharing

    • And thank you for your comment. I have not thought about it that He might try to set me free from my blocks and hangups. That’s quite an interesting thought!

      Rebel xox

  2. That was a really interesting read, and gave me something to ponder. For me caning is a very painful experience and something I really don’t like at all, so counting makes it a little better for me – the closer I get to the final number the happier I am it will soon be over. But for an impact or sensation that I like to receive, I think I’d be more likely to be in your shoes – wanting to lean into the experience.

    xx Dee

    • Leaning into the experience is so much better than having to concentrate on counting. But after reading all comments and re-reading what I have wrote, I think that there are two sides to counting or not counting. I still have to ponder where I will go with this, although, in the end it is not for me to decide.

      Rebel xox

  3. I’ve never needed to count; the few times I have been on the receiving end, part of the game is not knowing how long it will last for!

  4. And maybe I should be analyzing this at all….. Hahahaaaaaaaa indeed, I so get this, over thinking can be a bugger eh?

    I actually completely understand this, focusing on the counting rather than just losing myself in the moment can be a tricky one for me, I think it divides my mind and makes it harder to just let go and feel. Counting requires a more engaged state within my mind meaning there is less ‘space’ to process the physical sensation. I hate counting too

    Mollyxxx

    • Don’t you dare laugh at me, woman! Yes, over thinking is a bitch indeed! I’m so glad to see I am not the only one who hates the counting.

      Rebel xox

  5. I hate having to count. It takes the focus from my experience and changes it into something else. Yes, I realize that is the point. Counting, takes me away from my head and my body. Counting puts me in the moment with a focus on the here and now and a focus on something I don’t particularly care for. Odd thing to say. Yes, I love being swatted by a cane, hand, etc. I enjoy the space it puts me in. I enjoy the places my mind is allowed to go with and through my body. Being asked to count, or even to say “thank you”, puts me in the present. Yes, it does make it hurt more because my mind is not allowed to go on its own trip. I prefer not having to count or having to say anything after each swat, but then again, it’s not all about me.

    • Thanks so much for your comment, Mina. It makes perfect sense to me and I agree: counting prevents my mind from going places. But I will learn to count and have my mind go places if that is what He wants to teach me.

  6. *hugs* I find counting very difficult too, not for the same reasons, just because I am shy about talking, but I hope you can talk things through and find a way to count and still accept the pain.

    • I am working on that indeed: counting and at the same time accepting the pain. I will, no doubt, blog about it again in future.

      Rebel xox

  7. I think that it could very well be that counting makes it punishment instead of play in your mind. I can’t speak too much to it myself really as I can’t bear impact play. I love it when my other half marks me but if he spanked me, I might pop him one.

    *hugs*

    • I love being spanked, I love being marked. I love the pain, the surrender. I just don’t love the counting, but know I will do it if He wants me to 🙂 xox

  8. Very interesting thoughts on having to count. Sir is still trying to find my limits when it comes to whipping and caning because I do not make a sound. He has never asked me to count. I suspect that if He did, I would not last as long because the effort required to speak aloud would divert from the effort to find that place in the mind you speak of. I should perhaps try counting to myself, though, just to see what happens.

    ~Kazi xxx

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