Topping from the bottom

topbottomI have always said that this is something that I don’t want to do, and somehow I have gotten myself into a position where I feel I did it. Looking back on it, I understand how it happened, but I wish it never did.

As you all can read on this blog, our D/s relationship is something we live 24/7 and also that we only started with it about two years ago. I believe that I am still in training and that I will be for some years to come. Therefore, with this topping from the bottom thing, well, I see that as part of my training too.

So, I can hear you asking, what happened? Well, actually, life happened. Work during the week, play during weekends, family life every day and then Christmas. And New Years. It was in those days that I started to feel restless. Even though we had our sessions in that time which did settle some of my restlessness, it did not entirely leave me. I wanted more than Master T could give me at the moment. I noticed that He was tired, even a bit distracted. All He wanted was to relax. He was not thinking about dominating me at all. Work was just too busy and tiring at that moment. I felt abandoned. Unjustifiably so. He never abandoned me. He just needed some rest.

For some days I could reason with myself and I totally understood that I should just allow Him to recover, but the negative feelings inside me just took over. Those negative feelings were about myself. I did not feel worthy. Combine those negative feelings with my restlessness and there was a recipe for disaster. Or, a recipe to do something I did not want to do: top from the bottom.

I told Master T how I was feeling. Nothing wrong there, but I did it in such a way that I wanted to trick Him back into action. I kept on pushing that I wanted to get back to what we had, that in my opinion too little was happening. Of course, it would have been sufficient if I only told Him that I was feeling restless. He would have perfectly understood my feelings and still would have acted only when He wanted to. But I had to push. There was something in me that just had to do it. Master T really understood how I felt, but He did not allow me to trick Him into any kind of action. Bless Him for that.

But it still did not make me feel better for topping Him from the bottom. I just should not have done this, despite my need for dominance. And even after this realization, I did not know how to get back to the level where I just accept that Master T is the one who decides what will happen.

Until the day that I had a chat with a sub friend of mine. I told her how I felt and just by talking to her some things just fell into place again. I told her how I know that I have to be patient until Master T is not as tired anymore. She said that it’s not about waiting for Master T to do something that I want Him to do, but that everything that He wants is okay, so I never have to wait. It’s not about accepting the non-action as something that I don’t want, but really accepting it as something that He chooses. She told me to enjoy the things that DO happen and not to think about the things that don’t.

True words from someone I consider to be a dear friend. It won’t be easy, but this is something I will keep in mind, that whatever happens is exactly what Master T wants. Yes, as my friend also said, it’s free to ask Master T for things, but I should always accept His answer, whether I like it or not. He is the one who decides what will happen and when it will happen. As said in the beginning of this post, I believe that this is part of my training, as letting go is not as easy as it sounds. Topping from the bottom is a lot easier, but exactly something I do not want to do.

© Rebel’s Notes

4 thoughts on “Topping from the bottom

  1. I’ve never actually believed topping from the bottom actually existed. I still don’t. I think it was a term made up to make submissive’s feel bad for expressing their needs. Yeah I know, it goes beyond that and to the point where the submissive may manipulate or push things into action. But to me, that doesn’t exist. If the Dom is so easily pushed in that way, then he’s not dominating. If he doesn’t wish to do something, he won’t. But to be fair, all submissives ARE “topping from the bottom” because at the end of the day, we are the ones in charge. We are the ones with the ultimate choice to submit, to give ourselves in that way. We have the power of a safe word when things go wrong. A dominant can not dominate us, if we do not allow it. (at least in a healthy relationship). Maybe I’m wrong, but it is my opinion that expressing something you wish to happen, is not topping from the bottom. Maybe you can go so far as to be a “brat”, but then, there are dominants out there that love that. But that is a whole other brand of d/s relationship.

    • Thank you for your comment, Mina, as it did make me think…

      I totally agree with you that a dominant cannot dominate if a submissive does not allow it. Also that a submissive must express her wishes of what she would like to happen. With that I agree too. Yes, we do discuss our wishes and I do tell Master T what I would like. That I do not see as ‘topping from the bottom’. But what I see as ‘topping from the bottom’ is to try and get Him into action by either acting as a brat and hinting at what I want, or just telling Him in a bit of an angry voice. And then I want action right away, but… it makes me feel bad. When whatever I wanted happens, I suddenly do not want it anymore, I feel guilty because I asked, because if I had been patient, it would have happened anyway. To me that feels like ‘topping from the bottom’. He knows my wishes, He knows what I want and if I am patient, it will happen and I will enjoy it and I will not feel guilty. Maybe I am not expressing myself clearly here, but I think you get the picture.

      Rebel xox

Comments are closed.