Kink Shame & Pride: Insecurities

shameThis post is a continuance of the Kink Shame & Pride that started with a post of Emily at I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla. Feel free to join in with your own thoughts, as a post on your own blog or commenting on this or other ‘Kink Shame’ posts. Or become a member of the Fetlife group and start/join discussions.

(Warning: This post might be a bit of a rant, but I just had to get it out of my system.)

I have come a long way in the last two years to accept myself the way I am. I am just an average looking person. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I see me. I see the person I am and I am proud of that person. I love my red hair, even though it’s not my natural color. Just recently someone asked me why I color my hair and Master T was quick to tell that someone that my hair started turning grey very early in my life. It did. I was only 20 when I saw the first grey hairs appear in my fringe. The history of my life is etched on my body. Three kids have left their marks. I am proud of every line on my body, but I have not always been proud of it. There were times that I was ashamed of the stretch marks, of my operation scars, of who I am. I wanted nothing more than to hide everything and whenever I knew that someone was going to see me naked, I ‘warned’ them before, telling them that they should not have a fright when they see my not-so-nice body.

But I am not ashamed anymore. I have come to accept myself the way I am. Master T helped a lot with this. He has never made a secret of it that He thinks I am sexy. Whether I weighed too little in my diet period or now that I have more curves than I should have, He has always been telling me just how sexy He thinks I am. This has helped a lot to build my confidence and to let me grow into accepting myself. It has been a long road, maybe even longer than the two years I have mentioned above.

Yes, I still feel self-conscious when I know I will be naked for the first time in the presence of new people, but because Master T is always with me, the feeling quickly disappears and I just enjoy. Also, as said in other posts, both MasterR and Dena have made me feel very comfortable to be naked in their presence. I will always remember Dena’s whispered words while stroking my body: you have a nice body. Her body is so much more beautiful than mine, but believe me, at that moment I felt like a princess!

There are those moments when someones words can put me back in a state where I seriously doubt myself again. I met someone for the first time and already felt intimidated because she was very slender. Yes, she was shy and probably feeling intimidated too by the new circumstances. The conversation was about relationships and we also spoke about bisexuality. Master T wanted to know whether she was bisexual, and she said yes. I cannot remember the precise order of the conversation, but I do remember that there was a hint about her and I being together sexually. She made a remark that she had specific requirements for what a woman she wants to be with should look like. From her words I derived that I did not fit her requirements and that made me feel really uncomfortable. So much so that I don’t know how I would react if I see her again. You see, the uncomfortable feeling left me after a couple of days, but the irritation did not. Irritation with myself, but also with her, for the way she said it. I don’t know if I would ever see her again, but if I do I hope I can keep my confidence and not instantly go into feeling inferior to her.

I feel shame that I can allow someone to push me off my equilibrium the way I allowed this woman to do, but I feel pride that I easily bounced back and felt confident again. If someone wants to be with me in a kinky way, let them accept me the way I am and if they cannot do that… well… their loss. I will not allow anyone to activate any of my insecurities and definitely not when it’s kink related. And yes, I know that most of the insecure feelings start in my own head. Still, I always consider what I say can hurt other people without it being my intention to do so. Is it too much to ask other people to remember that their words can hurt too?

I am going to continue working on my confidence and accepting myself the way I am and I want to do it to such an extent that no one’s words will ever be able to make me doubt myself again.

I would like to hear your thoughts on this. What triggers your insecurities?

© Rebel’s Notes