About BDSM limits and more

On the Sexis Social, a publication of the EdenFantasys community, I stumbled across an article called BDSM 101: How to find your limits. The first sentence already had me think about my own situation: When you’re new to the world of BDSM, you might find it difficult to pick out your limits when there are many types of play you’ve never been exposed to.

thoughts1I thought about the start of our relationship and in hindsight I compared how we have done the things that were described in this article. As was stated in the article, it can be a difficult process to find your limits. So let’s work through the points one by one to see how Master T and I handled it in our relationship. Be sure to read the article before you continue reading my post.

Point 1: Include everything, even things you think should be obvious.
One of the things we did the moment that we decided to start our D/s journey, was to talk about limits. I was very quickly to tell Master T about all the things I did not want to do. He was very quickly to tell me to keep an open mind and that I will obey Him. He was also very quickly to tell me about things He would not accept to be on my list with hard limits. In hindsight I am happy that He did that, because as time progressed, I grew into some of the things that He wanted me to do. When we just started, I could not have imagined that I would be doing the things I nowadays love to do. I have a lot more confidence in myself and my abilities than I had two years ago.

Point 2: Start by thinking about what you don’t like when it comes to vanilla sex.
This is something else I did not do. I know, since our D/s relationship started within our marriage, the steps we took in the beginning of our D/s relationship were totally different from people who are still getting to know each other. There was nothing in our vanilla sex that I did not like. I just wanted more and more and Master T and I frequently fantasized about things, but our fantasies were never in a D/s setting.

Point 3: Differentiate between hard and soft limits.
Yes, we spoke about hard and soft limits. Our hard limits definitely are the same. No watersports or any kind of play with human excretions. That’s just not our thing at all. No needle play. I am really afraid of needles and even the thought of having to have an injection scares me to hell. As said earlier, there were some things that I thought were hard limits to me, but since Master T asked me to keep an open mind, I did. I am happy that I did, because I learned so much more about myself and experienced such wonderful things. And I continue to do so!

Point 4: Find a BDSM checklist.
This is something I have thought of many times – to find a BDSM checklist and just work through it. Up to now I have not taken the step to really sit down with such a list. Somehow it does not seem necessary anymore, as the dynamic between Master T and me is perfect. But on the other hand I am quite curious to see what I might find in such a checklist. Again, this checklist was never really necessary, since Master T and I had been married for five and together for seven years by the time we started our D/s journey. We have also been experimenting with some things before we officially started our D/s relationship. That experimenting always took place during sex, but it was never labeled as BDSM. It was just a bit of kinky sex. I know now that Master T have been preparing me, coaching me into finding my true self and admitting to myself that I want to be dominated.

Point 5: Realize that limits are a fluid thing.
In the post on the Sexis Magazine the author says: Just because something might be a limit today doesn’t mean it will be a limit a year from now. As you gain trust in your partner, you may be open to new things.
This made me smile. I have learned so much in the two years that we are on our D/s journey, but not only I have learned a lot. Master T has learned a lot too. We both learned a lot about ourselves. Together we started out. We spoke about limits. I was the one who has set quite some limits, thinking that I would never be able to handle some of the things Master T wanted. And now, two years down the line, I smile when I think of the things I have already done and how I thought I would never be able to do it. Such as pain… and more pain. I never thought I would crave pain, but nowadays, I do.

Point 6: Consider making a list of things you need as well.
I find it very difficult to tell Master T what I want. Sometimes I walk around with the words in my head for weeks before I tell Him. And when I do tell Him, the words never come out the way I intended them to. But thankfully Master T knows me very well and many times He knows what I want long before I have said it out loud. I find it easier to write down the words I want to say and therefore sometimes I  just send Master T an email to tell Him if there is something I really want. But again, as we go along on our journey, it will become easier to just voice my needs. I know Master T expects of me to do so.

Point 7: Limits don’t need to be discussed on the first date.
Since our D/s relationship started from our marriage, limits was definitely discussed in the beginning. By then we knew about each other’s likes and dislikes, but still, we needed to discuss some limits. I needed that. I wanted to be dominated, but at the same time I was a bit scared of letting go of all control. I just had to discuss limits, because that made me feel as if I could still control everything. Master T gently took the control from me and gradually I felt more at ease with it. I can understand that when you discuss limits on a first date, you might scare the opposite party away. I agree with the author that it is better to first get to know each other before you speak about limits.

The above points might all sound very logical, but sometimes it just needs to be said. And it never hurts to stop, look back and remember the steps you have taken during such a special relationship.

The same author that has written this article, has also written several other articles for the Sexis Social on EdenFantasys, all related to BDSM:

Posting these links does not mean that I agree with everything that is said in the articles. I like to read what others have to say, but I always stay true to myself and our relationship and I make up my own mind. My way is not the right way and what is said in these articles does not have to be the right way either. I take from the articles what’s right for me. Just always be yourself and stay true to yourself and your relationship. You can read these articles, but only use it for information and not as a guide to what you have to do. There’s no step by step guide on how to do BDSM. It’s about being together, enjoying together, loving together… it’s the magic between two people.

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